Who’s Your Biggest Enemy?

Roy T. Bennett said to “Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly you have to give up what weighs you down.” Often times what weighs us down is our own self-worth. Do you value yourself enough to move forward or do you think you are stuck in the spot that you are in and can’t do anything about it? Self-worth is a funny thing. I had the best parents in the world, but they were realists. If I had a dream, they were not the type to tell me to go and chase that dream because I can do anything I put my mind to. No, they were the opposite of that, especially my mom. By chasing your dreams, you might put yourself in a situation that can hurt you. You know, pull away from God. My dream was to sing. I am not saying I am good enough to do that, but I sure wasn’t encouraged to try it out. As a matter of fact, my sister-in-law asked me to sing in my brother’s and her wedding. My mom’s response was “Are you sure?” She was convinced that if I pursued anything in music that I was just asking for it. Her favorite quote, “You lie with the dogs you are going to get dirty.” I suppose she was right to an extent, but it sure would have been nice to have her in my corner.

Now, let me take a time out here and let you know that I am not bashing my mother. She may not agree with all of my decisions, but I know she will always have my back. She just saw a one way direction in life and hated it if any of her children wanted to go another direction.

So did my mom’s lack of encouragement and support, you know not supporting the dreamer side and pushing the realist side of me make me lack confidence or self-worth? That I can’t answer. I am almost certain it did, but I know it would kill her if she knew I thought that it did; however, I don’t think it was the biggest piece of this puzzle.

So who really is my enemy here? I know my mom didn’t push me to pursue my dreams, but I do now know she would have supported me (after she got over it) if I did because that’s the type of mother she is. I think my enemy was me, however, I used my mother as the excuse because it was easier. I didn’t want to fail; therefore, I didn’t try. I know there is so much more to failure now, at the time, though, I did not.

The next question would be “How do you develop self-worth if you’ve never really had any?” I’m not sure. I can say that I stepped out of my box to start a blog, so maybe, just maybe, the first step is stepping out of that box.

I can also tell you this, I do believe me lacking self-worth led to a lot of my weaker decisions in life. I always felt I was not good enough, so I didn’t try to be better.

Moral of this blog. Your enemy is probably you. It’s never too late to start working on your self-worth.

P.S. I mentioned that both of my parents were realist when I started this blog, but honed in more on my mom. My dad was a dreamer at one time. I thought he had written a book. but Mom told me the other day he didn’t, but I still swear that he did. Hmmm, did Mom block that out? He did; however, see the importance of focusing more on the real side of life, but he would have definitely been back there whispering in my ear to continue on if I told him that is what I wanted to do. So again, I was my worst enemy.

#selfworth #believeinyourself #getoutofthatbox

I Can’t Make This —- Up, Y’all

So tying into last night’s post, my phone starts going off in the middle of the night from, not only the guy I spoke about, but even more. What’s the point? What do these men want? My money? Sheesh. Don’t have too much of that. My car, 225,000 miles, you can have it. My house, it’s a double wide, and I love it because it’s my home, but I’m quite sure many don’t want it. Sexy pictures? I’m by far NOT a Victoria Secret model. Ultimately, I know I should ignore the messages and not reply, but WHAT IF? (If you’ve read my past blogs, you are following me on those two words.) So here is my response after the hellos are exchanged. “I am 50 this month, I love my career but do not make a lot of money, I will not leave where I am currently living, (I don’t use the the word never) and I will not chat on WhatsApp or Hangouts with you for awhile. I don’t mind getting to know you, but it will be through here for now. If you still want to chat, then let’s do it.

Then if we do chat, it’s immediately, I am a single dad. I’m serious, that is the one of the first responses. I respect that, but now that so many have told me this, are they? It is possible; I don’t deny that, but it’s just an odd first response from ALL of them. Well, it is good that they let you know that upfront, so I guess it is necessary, but, I can’t explain it. There are many single dads and it’s very respectable that a man takes care of his kid/kids, oh I don’t know, maybe I’m overthinking that piece. Next, they immediately jump into how they want to fall in love and what they’re all about. I know that is why they are here (maybe), but slow down Mario Andretti, let’s just take life in for a moment.

Am I wrong? Tell me I’m wrong if I am. Is this how this whole meeting someone online works?You say, “Hello” followed up with “I want you to have my babies.” I’ve got news for you folks, my baby house is gone.

I know this is a cruel world and many people do not have good intentions, but can I go around thinking everyone has bad intentions. Is that a way to live?

I have plans for these blogs and I hope to eventually move off this topic, but man, it is fresh right now.

#whatisevenreal #easeintoit #socialmediaman

Just When I Thought It Was Safe to Go Back Into the Water

So if you read my blog right before this one, you would know I was talking about what ifs. I also revealed I had been speaking to someone I met online, through IG. I was leery as I always am, but that dang WHAT IF kept me in it. I actually enjoyed talking to him (I mean, I think it was a him). We had some good discussions about life and what not. Even though I felt in my gut that this person wasn’t who he claimed to be, it was still fun to pretend. So needless to say, I wanted to play the game for a little while because, as I just said, I enjoyed the conversations we had.

Now, this is going to go back to my second blog in which it revealed how angry I am at myself and how I don’t know how to forgive myself. I knew this guy wasn’t for real but I liked our conversations so I stayed in the game for awhile. When I say awhile, it was only a week, but I stayed in it. I wanted him to so badly be who he said he was that sometimes I started to believe. I know, a sign of weakness that I thought I gave up a long time ago. I am so pissed at myself right now. Why? What happened? I know that is what you are asking. Well, here goes.

He started out our conversation sweet as usual, which always made me feel good. (I’m a hopeless romantic and love simple, sweet messages). He then proceeds to ask me, yep, “If I ever touch myself.” Now, this isn’t passing judgment on those that like to have phone sex, but it is not for me. So I tell him I will pass. He then asks for a photo. Again, I decline. “Oh baby, you can trust me.” Bahahaha, little does he know those are my trigger words, especially in this type of situation. I told him that I would appreciate it if he respected my answer. I then told him my career means too much to me that I am not going to put anything like that in the universe. Needless to say, I don’t have a “fake” friend anymore. So why am I mad at me? I didn’t listen to my freakin’ gut. I loved the conversations that I didn’t listen to my gut. I knew that eventually this would end up here. That this was some dude that gets off on this, but I stayed and played anyway because my WHAT IF said maybe this is real, and I ignored my gut. That’s why I am angry.

So, if you all read the blog right before this I said I was spent. I am so tired of trying to figure out what I need to do to meet someone. Or let me know what I am doing wrong. I asked the question, “How do I believe anyone that randomly approaches me?” Well, dang, I guess I am still asking this because, as you can see, this latest encounter pushed me back a little.

P.S. I was going to try and limit my blogs, but sometimes a person has so much to say that once the gates open it floods.

P.S.S. Just writing this helped me not be so angry at myself anymore over this situation, and now, I actually am laughing a little about it.

#notforme #nojudgment #isntlifegrandsometimes

Big Hair, Don’t Care

As I sit at my niece’s basketball camp, I think about how spent I am. Not because of the fact that I am with my niece, but because of yet another “man” reaching out to me on social media and wanting to chat. They don’t want to chat; however, on the source they contacted me on, but through another app. I have major trust issues as it is. I don’t believe anyone has good intentions when they contact me, so I always ask myself as to why I accepted the message in the first place. Well, then I answer with, “But what if.” Freakin, what if. It has been my enemy for the majority of my life. I often wonder what would have happened if I would have or would have not done this or that. I had someone recently tell me that I can’t live my life scared. Guess who told me this? Someone I met online. I know I am being catfished by this person, but I like talking to someone, so I play it safe and don’t give any information out that could be damaging, but that damn “what if” keeps creeping in. What if I am being as safe as I can be, but I am really not being safe and don’t have a clue. Well, that what if should make me want to step away, but then the next “what if” I ask myself creeps up. What if this guy is really legit and we are truly connecting? Even as I type that I laugh. My trust issues run deep. Why would some random person find me on my social media page and decide to chat me up? So yeah, trust issues run deep, but my insecurities run even deeper. (If you read my previous blog, I will just say “damaged goods” and that will make sense to you.)

So when I say I am spent I mean I am tired. I don’t know what to do. People meet people online and it works out, right? How do I believe anyone that randomly approaches me? How do I let my guard down? Or should I even do so? If you have any answers to these questions, please, I am all for advice. In reality, I want to meet someone the old fashioned way, but I guess when you have insecurities and trust issues like I do, even the old fashioned way would have me guessing. Ugh, I just don’t know. Do you?

#onlinedating #socialmedia #whatif


When I was nineteen years old, I was raped. It is what it is. Well, let me start from the beginning. I always loved the ideal of love even when I was a little girl. I pictured myself being that bride at that wedding, but crazy thing, I never was loved.

Now let me stop right here and tell you when I say I never was loved is not the type of love you get from family. I am definitely loved in this area of my life.

What I mean is I have not ever been loved by any man. I don’t know why. I mean, hell, I am not unattractive. Am I what someone stops and looks at when I walk into a room? Not even close, but I dang sure am not ugly, but guys just weren’t interested. Maybe it’s because I am so freakin’ awkward, who knows?

The results, in my eyes, I became damaged goods. The only attention I was ever going to get was to just offer myself to men, and I did. Results, self harm, hatred, and thoughts of suicide. I hated who was staring back at me every time I looked into the mirror. I still think I can’t truly date anyone to this day because I think I am damaged goods. Somewhere inside of me I know this is me lying to myself because I know I am amazing, but my heart just begs to differ.

So back to September of 1990, the cute guy from work and some others were over at my apartment drinking, and this guy asked me to go for a ride. C’mon, you bet I will. He pulls off in some field, we get out, and start making out. He then holds me down and penetrates me. I pushed and pushed, but he didn’t stop. Here is where my title comes into play. Even as I type the events out, I get angry at myself and not my rapist. Why did I get in his car? Why did I get out of his car in the middle of the field? Why didn’t I scream instead of just pushing on him? That night I lost my virginity. He took that from me, but the person I can’t forgive is me. I see him out and about sometimes, and he seems kind of sad in his life and that is good enough for me. People do stupid stuff that they can grow and learn from, maybe he isn’t the same guy that he was that night. I know you’re reading this and thinking what the hell is wrong with her? You probably want to tell yourself that there is no way he took advantage of me since I seem to have forgiven him. That’s just it though, I do. The day you forgive someone that has wronged you you instantly feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. I’ve had to forgive a few people in my lifetime. However, what is crazy about all of this. I can forgive everyone around me, but I CANNOT forgive myself. Here is the funny, and I’m not really talking about ha ha funny, but funny about me forgiving him, is maybe it’s so easy because I still blame myself. Again, why did I get in that car? Why did I get out of the car? Why didn’t I scream instead of just push? Which leads me to doubting what really happened to me, so if you are doubting it, don’t worry, I do too at times. It did happen though, it really did.

So when do I forgive myself? When can I quit hating me? What happened to me that night isn’t what makes me angry anymore. It is what I did and who I became after that that I can’t seem to forgive.

My advice to anyone reading this. Forgiveness needs to take place all around, but in order for you to heal you’ve got to make sure you forgive yourself.

Is This Really Me?

So, I am the type of person that has so much to say, but I don’t know how to say it. You know, that awkward person that either says too much or not enough. However, I do know that there are things rolling around up in the ole noggin that needs to come out somehow, so I decided to start this blog.

I am a simple girl. I want simple things. The thing I want the most, other than my family’s happiness and health, is my happiness. I am 50, well will be this month, and I don’t think I have ever found me. Now when I say this, it isn’t to say that I don’t have great people and things in my life because I have the best dang family around, and my son, well, he is someone any mom would love to have. But, through all this love for them, I have forgotten to love me too.

Maybe, just maybe, putting my thoughts out into the universe will help me find me. So please join me for this ride; however, buckle up because it is going to be a bumpy one.