Not Another Quote!

First of all, I would love to give credit to the person who said this, but the author is unknown. Without further ado, the quote, “Being positive doesn’t mean you don’t ever have negative thoughts. It just means you don’t let those thoughts control your life.” I stumbled across this quote on, of all places, Facebook, and immediately I felt relief. Since I have started this blog, I have had so much personal growth but when I have had bad days I was afraid that I was regressing and I didn’t want to share those types of moments with you guys because I didn’t want you all to think that I was slipping. With all that said, this quote immediately touched me and made me realize that maybe you guys still need to see the vulnerable side of me as well. Of course, I don’t think I have held back too much, but now I know that it is okay for me to let go when I am stumbling.

Not today, I am not stumbling today, but I know there will be days. There will always be days that I don’t feel good enough. There will always be days that I wonder why I am still alone. There will always be days that I miss my really good friends. There will always be days that I wonder why I am in a different place than all my current friends and we can’t get on board or on sync with each other which makes me feel like I have no one when, in reality, I know that it is not true, but those days will creep up, but instead of being mad at myself, I will simply let myself have those days; however, I will not let those days control me.

As I have said in a previous blog. without the bad days, you wouldn’t appreciate the good. When I started this blog I was in a bad, dark place. I am pretty sure that part of the reason I was in that place was the fact that I didn’t want to burden anyone with the pain I carried with me. Although this blog has been 100% therapeutic I need to quit being so hard on myself because 25 blogs later really isn’t going to be my magical number that completely heals me. I need to accept the fact that negative thoughts will occur and it’s okay because what truly matters is what I do when those thoughts do appear.

Final thoughts….you are not weak or sad or pathetic for allowing negative thoughts to creep into your head. As a matter of fact, you are strong and beautiful because you allowed that pain and overcame and made room for the positive. Keep moving forward and keep looking for that rainbow; it will be completely worth it.


Loyalty, it is such an important quality to have, but you truly can become a slave to it. Loyalty is a strong feeling of support or allegiance. But what if that support or allegiance is only one way? Do you give away a piece of you and let go of that loyal characteristic you have? Or do you lose a piece of you by holding onto something that is one sided? My opinion, which it is my blog, so you know I was going to give it. While holding onto something one sided, you are more than likely to lose a piece of you and that could be a pretty solid piece, so in turn, you become lost and forget who you are supposed to be in the first place.

I have a strong sense of loyalty. Have I ever betrayed anyone? Absolutely. And because of this strong sense of loyalty embedded in me, when I have betrayed someone, I was extremely hard on myself. My loyalty that I offer to others is important to me. My loyalty, however, tends to be too extreme at times. I smile really big at what I am about to admit because I am a dork, but my loyalty isn’t just toward people. I tend to have a loyalty to companies and inanimate objects. A couple of examples, I just canceled DirectTV and felt bad about it, but it was a good financial move for me so I needed to do it. Next is my car, I obviously will need to get a new one soon; nevertheless, Dolly, my car, has been good to me and I feel I am breaking up with her. Ha ha. I know, silly, right? Anyway, I give you those two examples to show you just how deep I am into loyalty.

I do think people know this about me though, and take advantage of me. For example, my job. I do my job because I feel I am meant to work with youth. Do I think I will teach until I retire? I don’t know. I used to. Maybe my calling to work with youth was only temporary for the fact that I have been tossing around my happiness with it for awhile now; nonetheless, I will give my students 100% of me. I am there for them, loyalty. My bosses know this and will often time approach me about doing extra because of it. So here I am a slave to my loyalty, yet what am I to do? If I can’t perform a job at 100% then I don’t want to be there; therefore, I am stuck.

I read a quote, I know, another quote. To be honest, I love, love, love to analyze quotes. One of my blogs may just be about that sometime, so if you have a favorite quote send it to me and I will see what I can make out of it. Anyway, back to this quote. It said, “Don’t let your loyalty become slavery. If they don’t appreciate what you bring to the table; let them eat alone.” Hmmmm. Food for thought. Oops, no pun intended or maybe it was. 🙂

Loyalty, again I will tell you that it is one of the best qualities to have. Cicero once said, “Nothing is more noble. Nothing is more venerable, than loyalty.” However, you can’t lose yourself in the process. I do believe this world started to fall apart when we started putting ourselves ahead of everyone else. I think we took it too far when we were told to love ourselves first, and we forgot love our neighbor in the process. Be that as it may, I think we do need to learn to love ourselves, be loyal to ourselves, and know ourselves before we can truly focus on others, but that doesn’t mean to let others go, I want to make that clear. You do, though, have to love you, be loyal and true to you, know who you are before you can give so much of yourself away to everyone else. After all, a reward for loyalty should be loyalty. Are you being loyal to yourself or a slave to others? Remember, find yourself and be loyal to who you are. That doesn’t mean stop doing for others or to stop being loyal to others, but take care of you so that you can be a better you for them. When it’s all said and done, loyalty needs to be returned. If those you are being loyal to aren’t being loyal back, maybe they don’t deserve your loyalty. Maybe you should let them eat alone.

I Would Like to Think I Am a Sunflower

My oldest niece sent me a quote that said, “In a world full of roses be a sunflower.” She followed it up with, “This made me think of you.” I simply replied, “I’d like to think so.” That response I gave her was a true response. I honestly want to be a sunflower, but at first I couldn’t put my finger on as to why, so I’ve been processing the material for this blog for awhile now and now I think I have figured it out.

I am not an expert on flowers, so let me get that out of the way. However, when I think about a rose, I have never seen one grow and stand on its own. I have always seen them on a bush. Roses are beautiful and popular and wanted, man, so many people want them. I mean, roses are the most delivered flower on Valentines Day. So why would I want to be a sunflower? To me, sunflowers are down to earth, bright like the sun (I love the sun), strong, and independent It can stand alone or it can grow with others. I planted several sunflowers last year, and after they die, they are to be pulled up by the root. Have you ever try to pull a 6 t0 7 foot sunflower up by it’s root? Let me tell you, they are strong. Sunflowers have all the qualities I want to have, but there is more.

In looking up some information about sunflowers, I stumbled on some information about Chernobyl. According to, Are Sunflowers Weeds? Wildflowers? Or Plants? fields of sunflowers were planted after the nuclear accident in Chernobyl. They were planted to soak up radiation and clean the soil. Pamela Anne, in this same article said, “If they are a weed, then they’re a weed we need.” Sit back a minute and think about the fact that sunflowers were planted to clean the soil after a nuclear accident. Again, strength.

Yes, I understand that sunflowers aren’t for everyone. Many look at a sunflower and think it’s a wildflower, and that’s okay because I tend to think I’m a wild soul that can’t be tamed, but my purpose is a good one. I’m okay that many will pick the rose over me, but when someone chooses me, the sunflower, you can bet you’ve chosen correctly. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “A weed is a plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.” Maybe you view me as a weed, but again, I have so many virtues and when you take the time to see them, you will not want a rose ever again.

It’s okay if you want to be a rose. It’s okay to be anything you want to be, but me, I’ll be a sunflower, bright, strong, reliable, and independent.

PS. I do love sunflowers, but they aren’t my favorite flower. My favorite flower is the tropical flower, hibiscus but the sunflower just fits me.

Do We Have to Choose Just One?

Consistency or persistence? Do I choose one or can I choose both? To be consistent is to adhere to something or it can be a degree of firmness; whereas, persistence is lasting or enduring or constantly repeated. The two are very similar in meaning to me. If you are consistent with something, doesn’t that mean you are persistent too? To adhere to something you have to be enduring.

In my research of these two terms, I found a quote that said, “Persistence will get you there. Consistency will keep you there.” So my above take on the two would be correct, the two can and do build off each other. Why did I wake up thinking about these words? I know you are asking yourself that exact question, and if you are familiar with my blogs, you know I am about to explain.

My weight loss journey has not been an easy one. It is taking me FOREVER. I have lost around 50 to 55 pounds, and yes, I’ve mentioned this before, but damn, it is taking me so long. Some people do what I have been doing and lose so much quicker. I guess my fat loves me too much. I mean, once you get to know me, I am pretty lovable. Okay, Okay, focus. To say I have been persistent is an understatement. Consistent? Yes, for the most part. Dang it! That’s it, isn’t it? I have let consistency stray now and again, but I am consistent on getting back on board. I do allow myself cheat days, especially when I am with my family. I don’t want them to worry about my diet. And exercise, well, I have a love/hate relationship with it. I hate it and it loves to piss me off. Because of this, I will exercise for a bit and then get out of routine and then start back up and then get out of the routine…you get the gist. Right now, I am onboard and being pretty consistent so my persistence to exercise is winning at the moment.

However, even as I mentally argue with myself about my exercise routine, this isn’t even what started this topic today. What started this topic is the scale! Last week I was only four pounds from reaching my NEXT goal. My goals are smaller goals to push me to the finish line, but I am going the opposite direction. I am not doing anything different. I mean, Saturday for my party I drank more than usual so I am sure that comes into play, but come on, that was Saturday night. I have gained four pounds instead of losing it. I can tell you what it is because I can feel it in my feet and hands. For some freakin’ reason, I am retaining water. My fat said, “Oh, four more pounds until your next goal. How about eight pounds instead of four? Let’s see how you like that! Try to get rid of me? I’ll show you.” How many of you flip off the scale when you don’t get the results you want? Nobody? Just me. Yep, I even gave it the ole double flip off, and may have even called it a name or two. What makes all of this worse is I am getting older. My fat has gotten comfortable with my body, so it is only going to get harder. I won’t give up though. I will have a few screaming fits. I will yell at my scale and exercise machines. I will cuss myself out when my inner voice says, “Don’t exercise today!” I will continue to be persistent and hope that my consistency steps in so that I can get to where I want to be.

If we are all honest with ourselves, there will always be something in our lives where we need to put that two word combo to use. Whether it is leaving a toxic relationship, overcoming an addiction, pursuing a dream, or just trying to get healthy, we need to choose to be persistent and consistent, so that we can be successful. I really want success, so that two word combination will always be involved in my life.

It’s All About the Prep

I just spent $70 for my creative writing class. This is an elective that I have wanted to teach for years, and last year I got the opportunity to do so and they are letting me teach it again. However, I don’t have books or curriculum for it, so I am building my own. Last year, I bought a couple of books, and this year I bought some material from Teachers Pay Teachers. I also just bought a planner in hopes of getting all my ducks in a row for all my classes. I have three preps and that’s okay because the variety that I teach helps me avoid boredom. Four of my classes are the same subject and it can get mundane teaching the same thing over and over all day, but, as I always jokingly say to the first hour that they are my guinea pigs and to my last hour that they get the best version of the lesson I am teaching. The other two classes are creative writing and newspaper. Okay, so? Where am I going with this? Here….

I got our welcome back newsletter yesterday and I just got this ache in the pit of my stomach. I used to love teaching. I wanted to be the best that I can be. I wanted students to remember me and realize how much I cared when they looked back at their high school years, but last year, the love faded. I think COVID made it so stressful, and money is so tight, that I just didn’t know if the stress was worth it. I posted on my Facebook that I was looking for a new career. It was somewhat of a joke because I wouldn’t leave the school in a tight spot like that; however, I knew immediately that this status update got attention because I started getting friend requests. (I have been deleting and cleaning out my social media for over a week now so people that were my “friends” were surprised when they couldn’t see my posts. Why I chose to dump so many people is a story for another blog, but I will tell you, it has been freeing.) But I didn’t dump enough because my principal called me today and asked what was going on. Keep in mind, I deleted the post rather quickly due to the friend requests I was getting, I knew it blew up. I explained to him that last year made me miserable and if my heart is not 100% into this job, then I don’t need to be in the classroom. It isn’t fair to the students. I then told him that I am going to give it this year and see where it goes. I then told him again that it will not affect my performance in the classroom and he said he knew that it wouldn’t. So why do I spend so much of my own money for something that I may give up sooner rather than later? Because I was taught that whatever job you are doing, you do it with all you have. I will not let my students down no matter what I am feeling outside of that school. Plus, I loved teaching so much at one time that I hope I can find that love again. I hope there is hope and this year will bring me back to the excitement I once felt when I stood in front of my students.

I have spoken about reinventing myself throughout all of my blogs, so maybe this is all a part of this process. All I know is I am going to give it my all, but whatever happens, happens. If I end up teaching until the day I retire, then I know that this was only temporary. If I end up moving to some island and become a bartender, then I know that reinventing myself meant a new career as well. Finally, I need to allow myself to be open for change. That doesn’t mean there will be change, but by allowing myself to accept the fact that there might be, will probably take some of the pressure off me.

In the end, it is all a part of the process. Oh, by the way, I dumped and deleted some more of those “friends” on my social media. Come on! Someone called an tattled on me. It is a small town, small community, and small school, most of these people know better and should know I wouldn’t leave the school in a jam like that. Awe, so freeing to let go. You should try it some time.

Don’t Go That Way; Go This Way

Uh oh, it’s one of those mornings where my coffee doesn’t taste right, my neck hurts, the news is getting on my nerves, and it just feels gloomy. And then there is the fact that I am listening to music and the song One of the Good Ones is on and it is making me angry because I am now focusing on the fact that I have never been able to find “my” good one. Yes, I have made progress since blog one, but I told you guys that I would back step now and again, and although, my readers may not like it when I am in this funk, the whole point of this blog is to work through my emotions. I’m going to be honest, I knew this type of morning was coming when my last two blogs didn’t flow right. I was holding back from taking my writing to this person again, but today I have to take it here so I can work through it. However, I don’t think I should be so upset with myself. Think about, quotes like “In order to see the rainbow, you have to stand a little rain.” wouldn’t be a thing if people didn’t have days like this.

Ha ha, on another note, and the direction this blog is going to go. I am now watching Miranda Lambert and Ella King’s music video Drunk and I Don’t Want to Go Home and I am smiling. Miranda Lambert always comes across as a bad ass to me and I love it. I want to be a bad ass. I really do. I want to take this world on and not be afraid. I don’t want to be timid. I don’t want to care about what people think about me. When I was a little girl, I wasn’t scared of anything. I’ve spoken about this little girl before. My older brother had to watch me and he took me everywhere with him. If he and his friends were playing football, I played and I played just as hard. If he and his friends played guns, I played. If any of his friends were dicks to him, I stepped in. He didn’t like for me to do that, but no one messed with my brother. If my brother was a jerk to me, I didn’t back down. If I got hurt, the more it hurt, the less I cried. Fingers slammed into the trunk of a car, no tears. Hit by a motorcycle while I was riding my bike, no pain. I climbed on top of our storage building all the time just so I could jump off. I was a bad ass. When did that girl leave me? Why did she leave me? I want her back, but how do I get there? First of all, I think I would need to quit seeing the negative and focus on the positive. For instance, as I am writing out the things I liked about that little girl, my mind kept wanting to tell you the big baby she could be at times. Why? Everyone has a negative side. Why am I so hard on myself? I need to remind myself of my own advice here. There is beauty in the flaws, which I spoke about a couple of blogs ago. I think once I can find peace in my flaws and how I need one with the other, then I can find that bad ass girl again.

That’s it. That’s it! I am in search of that little girl. This is similar to a previous blog about wanting the be a bad bitch. I think bad ass and bad bitch gives off the same connotation. I am ready to take on this world and not back down anymore. Some may look at me and think, “Aren’t you a little too old to change?” My answer to them, “Hell no!” Age will not define me and it shouldn’t any of you either. Find the you you have always wanted to be and be her or him. Quit letting the people around you or even your own self doubt define you. Let’s take this journey together. I am great at being other people’s cheerleader, so I am all for being yours and all I ask in return is that you be mine. Let’s do this!

I Love Jesus, but I Cuss a Little

Honestly though, I do, I cuss a little, but I try to be conscious of where I am and who I am around at all times. See I was raised that you can’t be a good Christian and say cuss words too. You know, that black and white boundary I have been put in, so I try my hardest not to cuss in front of people because I don’t want anyone to see me as a bad person. I mean, I most definitely love Jesus and his father, God.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching. If you have been following my blog, you know this. Through my soul searching, I have wondered if this bubble I am supposed to stay in has created this strong guilt I have put on myself because I am not the perfect little Christian girl. My mother, man I love that woman, but has always piled that guilt on me. I don’t know if she does it on purpose. I just really think she is trying to save me, and if I would have listened to her more, I wouldn’t have made some of the decisions I’ve made, but then I wouldn’t be me either. You know what I mean? Every decision I’ve made in my life, I thought about her. “Will this hurt her?” “How bad will it hurt her?” “I don’t want to be the cause of her pain?” “If I don’t go to church today (or sit through another Zoom because we aren’t face to face yet) she will be sad because I am the only kid that goes with her.” Then there is the guilt after I have made choices I know she won’t agree with. I am tired of walking on eggshells. I love her, but I just want her to know that my choices have nothing to do with her. I just want to live my life. She is the most giving mother too. If she thinks I need it, she will get it for me. If something comes up financially, and I am struggling, she will find a way to help. She is there for me, and I think that has a lot to do with why I can’t just make choices for me. I tried to parent my kid like she has me. I tried to make him fit in my mold, and he couldn’t stand to be around me. I didn’t want that to be our relationship, so I stepped back and when I did, I saw the beautiful, strong, kind-hearted human he really is. He didn’t need to fit in my mold, as I’ve said before, he needed to flourish in his. I wish my mom could see that.

As if the eggshells around my mom wasn’t enough, I chose a career that I have to watch my every move as well. As a matter of fact, I don’t openly share this blog on my social media accounts because I don’t hold back. They aren’t bad blogs, but there will always be those parents that get upset because their child’s teacher has a life. I’ve never gotten that either. Shame on the teacher for living, but these parents are the ones that are raising their kids, so shouldn’t their example they set be more important than the example of the teacher. Logical, right? But no, again, I walk on eggshells. Not that I do anything I should worry about, but I like to have adult drinks now and again and I have a wild inner child, but she has to stay hidden because of those surrounding me.

I don’t know if I am really going anywhere with this blog. I don’t know if I have open advice to give you. Maybe I am just trying to work through the pressure I put on myself by blogging about it. I like for my blogs to have meaning and substance, so hopefully if you read it and can relate, you can find a way out. I’d say, quit living in someone else’s mold for you. Be your own person. Don’t let others tell you what is right or wrong for you. I believe that God and his son, Jesus, love me unconditionally. My interpretation can be wrong, but in the end, isn’t that between him and me anyway? Don’t I have to answer to God for myself? I am kind to others. I try to love my neighbor as myself. Bahahaha, if anything, I love my neighbor more than myself. Wouldn’t this just be a better place if we worried about who we are and what we are doing more so than those around us? I think I’m about to break some eggshells.

At a Loss

I know many of you are thinking when reading the title that I may have had a slide backwards in my progression. I’m not saying that I won’t have a day or two like that, but this is more about the fact that I am at a loss for words. I don’t know which direction I want my blog to go. I literally have started three blogs, maybe four, and I have deleted them because I couldn’t get my heart into it. I have enjoyed writing so much that I do not want to skip a day. Is it okay to take a day off? This reminds me of my son. I don’t want to talk too much about him in my blog because his life isn’t my story to tell, but he competed in sports since he was five years old. He became a starting quarterback in little league. He worked hard. If he wasn’t at regular team practice then he was practicing with his uncle. He then became a starting quarterback of his high school team three games into his sophomore year. He currently holds the school record of most wins. Side note, he never took credit for these wins. He always gave the credit to the teams he was on. He then played a year of college football, but decided one day this isn’t going to be what he does for the rest of his life and gave up the sport that he loved. He then got into working out. I personally think this was where he put his energy of that competitiveness. I mean, he had been competing since he was five and then one day he wasn’t competing anymore. He fell in love with working out. He absolutely cannot miss a day. If he isn’t in the gym lifting weights, he is running. He honestly cannot take a day off. I told someone recently that his workouts are his medicine for not only his physical health, but his mental as well. Since I have started writing, this has been my medicine. I don’t want to take a day off, but I don’t want to blog over something insignificant either, but maybe the way I should look at it is more to the fact that it is never insignificant because it is my cure to my emotional and mental well-being.

Okay, that is the message here. I kind of knew if I just let my thoughts flow that something would come together. Find something that you love so much that you cannot take a day off from. That thing that makes you feel like you are improving in every aspect of your life. You know, that medicine that big pharma doesn’t get to cash in on. Find your love, pursue it, live it, and don’t ever let it go.


Since the day we are born, we make progress in our lives. As a new, newborn, you can’t even hold your head up because your muscles have to develop, progress, for that to happen. Your diet progresses, your learning progresses, your vision progresses, your…well, you get what I am trying to say. We are all about progress and growth. It is what we are meant to do. The day you don’t allow yourself to progress is the day you quit allowing growth, so basically it is the day you quit working on yourself. If you started this blog on day one with me, you can see the progress I have made. Not necessarily in my writing skills. I just re-read my blog from yesterday and found at least two grammar errors, I am headed to correct those next, although people have already seen them, but I can’t let that be knowing it is there. Anyway, that’s not why you are here. So my progress in my blogs, I started out so lost and sad. My few loved ones that read them were just so sad for me. They were so sad that I think they quit reading, but if they come back they will see the progress, the growth I am making. I started this blog, as I have said many times, to help me find me. I was lost and I was sad and I knew there was more to me than those things, but in order to get past them, I had to be honest with myself and those around me. I was in a dark place due to insecurities and pain I have beared for a long time. It’s only been two weeks, so I am not saying that I have healed already, but I am saying that I have made progress. I see myself talking myself down when I feel the universe is punishing me. Instead of saying, “Why me?” I am saying, “That is out of my control at the moment,” or “What can I do differently to get the result that I want.” It’s weird, those are obvious responses people should have, but playing the poor me card just seems to come easier at times, and again, sometimes my mind does and will wonder to that response, progress.

My dad used to tell us growing up, and this has been some of the best advice he could have given. It is simple set of words and as a kid it would piss me off when he said it, but now as an adult I get it. Maybe the take away I have with these words wasn’t his intent, but just a you interpret a piece of writing to mean something, the same could be said of this advice, and I have my interpretation. My dad used to say, “I never promised you life would be fair.” As I get older those simple words have progressed meaning for me. When I as a kid, it meant suck it up and shut up, or at least that was what it meant to me, and honestly, sometimes Dad probably meant for those words to take that meaning. However, my dad was a deep thinker and he liked for his kids to process events and figure them out on our own. As I got older, those words meant, some people have to work harder than others but that doesn’t mean you can’t have all you desire to have. Now those words have even progressed further. Now to me they say, stop playing the victim and get out there and get what you want. See sometimes those words still can mean suck it up and shut up. Sometimes they mean, yep, you will have to work harder, and sometimes they mean to stop playing the victim, but even as I type these meanings out, I see that they basically mean the same thing, just the message has progressed with my age.

It makes me look at my story and instead of focusing on what I don’t have or where I haven’t been I need to focus on where I am going and what I do have. These blogs are full of advice for myself and hopefully those that are reading them. So to those that have stuck it out from day one with these blogs of mine, thank you and I hope you have seen the progression. For those that couldn’t see me that sad, and quit reading, I hope you found your way back and have seen the progression. If you are new, go back to blog one and notice what opening up and being vulnerable can do for you.

Hmmm, take away from this today. Well, your take away is your take away, but I am hoping you see that allowing yourself to change and progress is allowing yourself to grow. If you think you have reached your potential, then step back, and ask yourself what you truly want because I know you will see that there is so much more potential in you then you are allowing yourself at the moment. Allow yourself to progress.

Say It Ain’t So

First of all, let me start off by saying I don’t like the word ain’t. I was in English in the 80s. Our English teachers didn’t play around back then. You did not use the word ain’t in his/her class. I did think, however, it was catchy in this title.

I usually blog in the morning, and I did start one, but I wasn’t feeling it. It just wasn’t what I wanted to post today, so I deleted it. Now I think I am ready.

About an hour ago I was looking at a TikTok I made of myself the day after my 50th. I put pictures to the song I’m Not 20 Anymore and I thought, for the first time ever, I am beautiful. Wow, as I typed those words out it felt strange. I wasn’t really raised to talk positively about myself, but, dang it, if I didn’t look at myself for the first time and see the beauty before I saw the flaws, and it felt good. Now don’t get too excited for me because tomorrow I may wake up and see the flaws and only the flaws (work in progress). But that’s just it, why do we have to see one or the other? Why can’t we see both because isn’t there beauty in our flaws? The flaws have made us who we are and I am a pretty amazing person. Remember yesterday’s blog. I am a bad bitch, well, trying to be. I have a pretty smile. Maybe it is because I have RBF as well, so the smile offsets that look. Ha ha. I have a personality where I want to see everyone succeed. I have cute little feet, I know weird, but I like them. I am strong and independent and love big when I love you. I do have flaws that offset each of those positives, but maybe, just maybe our flaws are intended to bring our beauty out even more.

I was so excited to hear myself call myself beautiful. There absolutely could be something to this blogging thing. Putting myself out there and revealing the true me is not only revealing the true me to you but to myself as well. My self-discovery and reinvention of myself have taken my emotional well-being in the right direction. My advice, love yourself. If the first thing you see is a flaw when you look at yourself, try to find what beautiful aspect comes out of that. After all, a rose isn’t just beautiful, those thorns are there for a reason. LOVE YOURSELF! Because once your learn to love yourself, then the love you feel for others will flourish also.

And Just Like That

Well, through all the expectation and anticipation and prep and talking myself into the fact that it is going to be okay, it’s over without any big bangs. I talked myself into being okay with turning 50 from the minute I turned 49. I woke up today and thought, I for real do not feel any different. I have the same adult responsibilities and the same adult relationships. School will still start back the same day and I will walk into a classroom trying to teach my students about the subject I teach and life lessons as well. Some will love me for it and some will dislike me for it. My son is still the same beautiful soul he was Tuesday when I was 49. My youngest niece still made me laugh so hard that I had tears this morning when I picked her up. Life really didn’t change. I mean, my eye sight isn’t as good as it once was, and yes, I have a few aches that I didn’t have at 25, but I am still here and I am still the same person.

What I tend to focus on, and again, as I have said in previous blogs, I am a work in progress, I focus on what I don’t have way too many times. But man, I made it to 50 and I am ready to reinvent myself. I am ready to walk into a room and people smile because they see my confidence. They say to themselves, “Look at that bad bitch.” I know that seems silly, but I am ready to live life for me. I have never had a lot of confidence, but deep down, I know that I should because honestly, I really am kind of a bad bitch. I have a lot a great qualities that I need to focus on. Physically, changes still need to made, and I am in the process of that. Mentally and emotionally need to be healthier, and I really think I am headed the right direction. so it is time that I let me be the light the world needs. I have always heard that you are never too old to change. I agree that as you have been a certain way for many years, it is hard to be different, but you can be. I am tired of promoting everyone around me but me. Not that that will change because I love building people up and watching them live out their dreams. I like to push people to be better versions of who they already are, but I don’t do that with myself very well. Well, and I say with confidence, it’s damn time that I do.

As you read this, I hope you find a take away from it that benefits you. My advice, don’t wait to reinvent yourself as late as I have, but, in reality, it doesn’t matter when you do it; all that matters is that you do. Be that bad bitch and take on this world with all you have. Now, I am not saying leave damage along the way. What I am saying is be someone you can look back at and know you did it with all you had but didn’t bite people’s heads off and leave carnage behind. After all, the only thing you can take with you when you die is your name, so make it a good one.


Inspiration. What a funny concept? You never know what is going to inspire you. The special events, like a big milestone birthday, should be an obvious inspiration, but instead my inspiration is the fear of heights. (Previous blog.) I woke up this morning just knowing I was going to have so much to say, but here we are. I have been tossing back ideas between awkwardness or inspiration to write about. I chose inspiration because, well, today I should feel inspired, but all I can think about is how awkward I am. As I sit with my hand on my chin and think about what to say next, the idea of being awkward might be what truly does inspire me. I mean, think about it. I love to write. (Now don’t lose me here. I am not saying you have to be awkward to write, it just works for me.) I think I write so well because I say what I need to say without stumbling over my words. Oh wait, this isn’t always true. Man, do I have a story for you. This is totally a “squirrel” moment, but that previous statement I just made inspired me.

So these last couple of months I have been addicted to social media, you know school being out and idle hands and all. (Social media will be another blog soon.) Anyway, through this addiction, I have developed a dang TikTok, IG crush. I will not name this crush, but let’s just say I am extremely enamored by him. He interacts with his fans. Nothing big, he will reply to a message or give a message a like so I like to interact with him. He has an email set up so one morning I thought I would email him. Of course, I just figured it would go to his spam folder. I explained that I had a crush on him. It was an innocent crush but he made me all giddy and it made me feel like I was young again. I told him I had this milestone birthday coming up and asked him if he could give me a shout out on this day, it would make me so happy. I give him my TT and IG handle. I really didn’t think I would hear from him. I open my email, oh, I would say the next day, and I have a message from him. It simply said, “I tried to search and find your Instagram but I was unable to find it with the name you’ve given me!” He ends with a blue heart. Guys, I messed up my IG handle. The same one I have had since I opened my account. I laugh at myself now because I just picture this guy who has millions of fans and followers actually taking the time to do something for me and spends who knows how long trying to find me on Instagram. Yep, my awkwardness won that one. I held onto the email for awhile because I knew that was all I was going to get. Ha ha.

Anyway, back to my awkwardness and inspiration. I either say too much or too little. I often times stumble over my words or say something that I shouldn’t have said. After I leave someone, I think about all the stupid stuff I said and pick apart my mistakes, which leads to me being a little more awkward the next time. But when I write, most the time, the words come easy. If I am upset with my boss, I can put it in an email because I know my point will come across without as much emotion as if I were to speak to him face to face. If I need to ask someone something, if I can text it or put it in an email, I am choosing that route every time. Writing brings out the person I want to be when I talk to someone. Maybe because I am not a small talk type of person and would much rather get down to the niddy griddy, and that is what writing does. You can get to the point without all the small, unnecessary exchange. I am not saying this is a good thing. I need to learn to speak to people face to face better than what I do now; however, I feel free when I write. It helps me let go and see clearer. If you’ve read all my blogs, you probably see the progression. What I mean by this is you probably see the pain I have inside of me at the beginning more so than now. It’s because this blog has allowed me to let go of some of it.

Oh, inspiration, it’s funny on what will inspire you. This blog went a whole different direction than I thought it would. Once I admitted that my thoughts were battling over awkwardness and inspiration, it took a spin, but it for sure inspired me. I guess my advice for you today. Let the not so obvious inspire you. Find your inspiration wherever you can find it. No one can tell you what should inspire you because that is only something you can figure out on your own. Again, you do not have to fit into somebody else’s mold.

Now, I am older. You know milestone birthday and all. I wonder if I will ever overcome my awkwardness? Who knows? But I do know, I hope I never lose my love for writing.

Sneaky Little Things Are Everywhere

Hmmm, let’s stick with the fear aspect, you know, to follow up with yesterday’s fear of heights. If you haven’t caught on, a lot of my blogs build on each other, so be sure to go and read the others. Some are sad and some are silly, but I started this whole blogging exercise to release me, so here we are.

First of all, I feel fear is a learned behavior. Often times you hear of something that someone is scared of and you develop this sense about you, maybe subconsciously, that you too should be scared of it. Don’t get me wrong, I know sometimes something happens to you that caused you to develop that fear, but again, I personally think that would be considered “learned” as well.

My next fear is spiders. My dad was scared of them, and now both my brothers and I are scared of them. Learned behavior. However, I was at the point that I would almost throw up when I saw one. I was mowing one day and ran into a spider web and couldn’t finish mowing. I would say this became an irrational fear. I was pregnant then too, so I told myself, on that day, that I would not have my son growing up so scared of something because of me, so I worked at becoming, let’s just say, less fearful. I would try to study each spider a little more and admire certain aspects about them. The only thing I truly admired was their webs. Wow, you have to admit, their ability to make webs and how strong the webs are, if only we could make our own houses and life’s defenses the same way. Hmmm, see where I am going with this? But seriously, I have a rule with these arachnids, if you stay in your space and don’t invade mine, then I will leave you alone. Most listen. I call those spiders that like to make the huge webs off my porch the “Charlotte Web Spiders”. Yes, I know they have a name, but I don’t love them that much that I want to learn what kind they really are. I give all of these names and they usually are a play off the name Charlotte, it makes me more comfortable with allowing them to stick around.

Okay, I have a spider story to tell you about a spider that didn’t follow my rules. I was sitting in my chair in my living room minding my own business when I see something out of the corner of my eye run right by me. It looked huge so I had to investigate. I got up and saw that it ran into my pantry, so I opened it and looked and couldn’t see it. I thought, leave it alone, he isn’t bothering you, but that last statement wasn’t true. I must have killed a relative of its or something because it came back for me. As I am sitting in my same chair, it runs by again, however, this time he came much closer to me. I thought, I have warned all of you that if you step into my space, then it’s lights out. It disappeared again. I knew it ran toward my door so I went that way. As I was looking for the sneaky little sucker, it RAN ACROSS MY FOOT! Amongst all the screaming, I was able to find a shoe (I think) and it came running at me again! I kid you not! It was on a mission! So I slammed the shoe down, hoping not to miss, and started yelling, “I told you not to invade my space!!!” I yelled that several times. I wish I had all of this on camera. As I carried the thing outside to toss it I kind of felt bad, and I whispered, “Why couldn’t you just stay in your lane?” I still wonder what it had against me. I guess we will never know.

Two things here I want to focus on. One, fear can be temporary. You don’t have to live afraid. Conquer your fears. Whether it be things like spiders and heights or just living your dream, do NOT let fear hold you back. Fear has always been my enemy. I let fear keep me from doing several things and adventures in my life, so I am speaking from experience when I tell you not to let it hold you back. Next, build your foundation like a spider builds its web. Make it so strong that it catches what you need to to survive in this world. It takes a lot of force to break it, and your goal could be to make it unbreakable. Make that foundation unique and wonderful, again, just like a spider makes its web. And, DO NOT be afraid to place that foundation wherever you need to place it to keep living.

Don’t get me wrong. I do not want a pet spider. I just choose to exist with them, and I do know which ones I don’t want to exist with, and those usually do not get a second chance, but I did not want to be that scared anymore so I chose to overcome, which is what I am doing with these blogs of mine.

How Do You Feel About Roller Coasters?

I am scared of heights. One time my son and I climbed on the roof of our house to see if we had a leak. Not that we could fix it, but you know, single mom life. Now keep in mind, this was a trailer, so that means, we weren’t too high off the ground. I got up there just fine, but when it came to getting down, I couldn’t climb down the ladder. My son was on the ground getting frustrated with me. I kept telling him to go and get his uncle, my brother, who lived near by. What he was going to do, is beyond me, but I wanted him there. My son refused to go and get him. He just kept saying, yelling really, “Just climb down!” I guess he was my cheerleader or sergeant in this situation. I eventually got down by myself. What makes this even more ridiculous, I was a climber as a kid. I would climb walls (I did), trees, and even climb up to the roof of the house to watch surrounding fireworks on the 4th of July. So when did I become so scared of heights? I really don’t remember. I am assuming it happened when I realized I wasn’t invincible. As a kid I wasn’t scared of shit. I fought anyone that got mouthy. (Growing up in the 70s, we took care of our business.) You know, the scarier the better. I wish I had that tenacity still. Not the fighting part, I am glad I outgrew that part of my life, but man, to be that brave little girl I was back then would be so great. However, that wasn’t the direction I meant for this blog to go, so I will save that for another blog.

Back to heights, as I got older and hated heights, I always loved the rush of roller coasters, you know the ups and downs. The anticipation and the thrill. It was crazy. That climb to the top would scare me, and then the sensation I felt as I dropped. Life is kind of like that isn’t it? You have the anticipation and fear and excitement; however, sometimes you have those let downs. Those roller coasters that were just a bust. The ups and downs of life are sometimes too much to take in, but the ride is only for a short while, so it is so important that you find the roller coaster that was worth the wait in that long line.

Sometimes, though, you are just going to get on a roller coaster ride that was either too much or not enough for you. Does that mean you stop riding roller coasters? No way! Go on to the next one. Don’t ever pass up the opportunity to have fun. You absolutely are not guaranteed the best time, every time, but that doesn’t mean you stop looking for the right one for you. There will never be a perfect roller coaster. Sometimes one of the hills will be less thrilling than the next, but instead of focusing on the one that let you down, focus on the one that left you breathless.

Well, now I miss roller coasters. Amusement park anyone?

What Is Going On?

This blog should be brief. I just wanted to share how some things have changed for me lately.

My preferences in what I want in a guy. Haha. I mean, I was never opposed to this look, but now, I am really, really into this look. Tattoos! Oh! My! Gosh! Now, I am not talking the tattoos that you can tell people didn’t put thought into and just walked in and said, “Put THIS right HERE.” I am talking those tattoos that are like masterpieces and that take more than one session to complete. The ones in which the tattoo artist used you as their canvas. Arm sleeves? Yes please. Served up with a little bit of chest tattoo. Oh, and I love the ones with color. I mean, I have seen some cool just black ones, but I like that color added in.

Also, cops and military are my thing now too. I don’t mind a good cowboy either. Wait, do I like anything specific now that I’ve typed this out? Okay, I will go back to my go to, first thing I look at in a man is his eyes and smile. Both have to speak to me, and I am not talking literally, which he “speaking” to me will need to happen, but I mean when I see those two things, I need to feel comforted and relaxed and safe and, well, other things. So combine a great smile with some beautiful tats, and I am your woman.

Back to the tattoos though. This is a new thing for me. The videographer at a wedding I was at last night, yep, he had beautiful sleeves on his arms. I noticed right away. At one time, I’m not going to lie, I would have looked at him at thought a couple of things like: “Look how much money he wasted?” “Who would do that to their body?” “They are stuck with those forever.” “I am sure he is a nice guy but no one will be able to get past all that ink.” Well, maybe it is because I am in the middle of a midlife crisis, but now I just want to trace my finger over all that art.

Anyway, I just needed to share my new found obsession with you guys because I can’t tell my momma. My momma will be so mad at me. Ha ha. She is going to be anyway because I have a tat planned for myself that I will be getting soon. Ooooo, she isn’t going to speak to me for a week. I love that woman and I know I am almost 50 so what she thinks shouldn’t bother me; however, this is a topic for another blog, but if you remember from an earlier blog when I said she is a one direction type of momma, yep, a tattoo will mean I am choosing a different direction for a minute.

I am learning some things about myself. More so than I thought I needed to learn. One of those is if your interests change, and it’s out of your norm, it is copacetic (yesterday’s blog). Allow them to because you shouldn’t have to fit into anyone’s mold. For instance, I am currently searching for a man with some killer ink.


Have you ever said a word and thought, wow. that word sounds like its definition? Like you can say, “I’m alright” or “I’m fine” and many wonder if you are telling the truth, but if you say, “I’m copacetic.” People believe you. Copacetic basically means satisfied. Some synonyms are agreeable, all right, alright, fine, good, hunky-dory….you get the gist. In my head, when I hear someone use the word copacetic I think that that person must have just toked it up (Do people still say that? Haha) or they are extremely laid back. It’s a cool word, and I think I will make sure it appears in my vocabulary from now on because when I tell people I am okay they don’t seem to believe me.

I think those that have read my blogs might be thinking that I am on edge. I really just want them to see that life can be a shit hole sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you quit, which I haven’t. Do you know that no one in my family or my friends, besides my son and niece, have read my blogs? Do you think they are scared to see what is really going on inside of me? I have been wondering that. I am not really overly advertising it either, but I know they know I’ve started a blog. Honestly though, I write this for me, so it is okay, wait I mean, copacetic.

It is hard sometimes to see who is there for you and who isn’t. I admit that I am not perfect. I have this toxic trait that when I go through something I cut everyone off and go through it alone. I think that is because I don’t ever want to be a burden, and because of this, people tend to not understand me. My friend, Toni, that passed away, she understood that about me and never gave up on me. Then there was my dad, he just got me. I think he and I were very similar. so when you lose those people that just got you, it’s hard to find yourself again; however, I have hurt myself with this line of thinking. I have pushed people away because I just couldn’t accept that what I had with those two people was unique and special. I need to be copacetic with others. I told a student this year that seemed lost with her friendships. She talked about how her friends were just friends of convenience. I told her that it was okay to have friends of convenience. Don’t worry, I didn’t make it sound so cheap. I told her that those types of friends aren’t bad friends. They are friends that you can have so much fun with, but they just might not be the close friends you tell your deepest thoughts too. You can have those really close friends and you can have those friends of convenience. I thought all my friends should be really close friends because, let’s face it, I am an over thinker that loves to have thought provoking conversations. I like connecting on a deep level and sometimes those convenient friends aren’t those type of friends, but when you only are looking for one type of friend, your circle becomes extremely small. Oh, I know a small circle isn’t necessarily bad, but you get to be my age and all your friends are in a different place than you, that small circle you kept can be tough at times. I was a single mom that focused on my kid, and I will never, ever regret that. Watching him grow into a fine young man makes me smile because I know through all of our arguments and disagreements, he was listening, so I’ve done something right, but now I want to let loose and everyone around me is done. This is where the convenient friends would come into play. Hindsight, right?

Be copacetic in life. Quit complicating everything. Quit making things harder than it has to be. See what you want and go get it, but allow yourself to enjoy some laid back moments as well, and it is okay to have convenient friends. Not every relationship has to be on some deep connected level.

I Am All In

When I woke up a few days ago and decided I was going to start a blog. I had no clue how therapeutic it actually would be. See, as I’ve mentioned, I have really been struggling with who I am and where I belong. Those two simple things, “who I am” and “where I belong’ takes me to many aspects of my life, but I don’t want to discuss those all at once, so I’ve decided to address my career.

First of all, before I dive into this. I want to thank those few that have given me some feedback. Although this is therapeutic for me, I hope there are people that are connecting in some way. So if you have feedback, please, get in touch. Also, my blog has made someone I love really sad, but I hope when he thinks about it, he will understand me a little more. He will see the fighter in me and focus on that side of it because I want him to know that no matter what comes his way, he needs to fight.

Now, back to the topic at hand. My career. This last school year was tough. Teachers trying to figure out a new way of teaching. Students trying to figure out a new way of learning. Teachers not being understood and students not being understood. I most definitely didn’t connect with my students as I have in the past. I feel in order for a student to want to listen to the subject you have to teach that you should also be willing to connect with them. I want them to know that I am there for them for more than the subject. I think almost every year I was able to make the connection with several of my students. I wanted to connect with all, but I am sure that just isn’t feasible. Not all personalities click. This year, I just wasn’t clicking, or maybe I should say, I clicked with a lot less of them. As my previous posts have revealed, I tend to see me as the problem more so than others, so I blame myself for this more so than anyone else. In reality, it was probably just because of the crazy year. However, since I am struggling with who I am and where I belong, I have been wondering if my career is where I should be anymore. I love what I do, please don’t get me wrong, but if I am failing at connecting, then am I where I should be?

As I struggle with this, I got a message yesterday from one of my previous students that has been out in the real world for a couple of years. It was a random message, but needless to say, it came to me when it needed to. Her message said, “No way you’re going to be 50! You look so great and I hope you are doing well! You were a light for me when I was in school and I know you are for others!” Guys, if that isn’t someone giving a sign at the right time, then I don’t know what is. I am not saying that there will not be a time in the near future that I don’t go a different route in my career because I feel if I am not doing the best I possibly can then I am not where I should be, but her message reminded me to fight, which, honestly, I am pretty good at doing. So I am going in this next school year with a new energy and a new hope, I have minds to mold and hopefully I can be that light for someone else.

If you too are struggling with who you are and where you belong, don’t be so hard on yourself. It doesn’t matter how young or old you are, it’s okay to be lost from time to time. My advice, look for those signs. Whether you believe those signs come from a higher place or not, they are out there. You’ve just got to be open to seeing them.


Yesterday was a dark day for me and I focused on what I didn’t have and my morning blog reflected just that. I reread it last night and cried really hard. A hard cry that I have not done in a long time. You know the kind that when you wake up you look like a raccoon, but I slept well. Because of sleeping well, I woke up refreshed and decided I wanted to focus on what I do have.

I do want to start out by telling you that I started to blog for a few reasons. One, I love to write, man, do I love to write. Two, my thoughts have been heavy lately and sometimes when you combine the two, it all just comes together and the heaviness becomes lighter. Three, I thought that maybe someone along the way will read my posts and relate and then somehow find relief in the fact that they are not alone. With that being said, some of my blogs will be very dark, but I will try my best to put a positive spin in a response because it all comes down to perspective.

I said yesterday that I never have woken up to someone that loves me deeply. Although this is true, it might be false as well. I remember when my son was little, I would be getting ready for work in the morning and I would hear his little feet running toward me and I would say, “I hear little feet.” I woke up to that every morning until he moved out on his own. (Of course his feet didn’t stay little, ha ha, and he didn’t run to me every morning for all those years either. 🙂 ) Perspective. Maybe I didn’t roll over and look into someone’s eyes, but I did wake up to the best gift God could have ever given me. I won’t go into a lot of detail at this point about my son, but just know I was definitely blessed with this kind soul. I don’t know if I just did something right or God felt sorry for me, but my son is an amazing human being, which is all I’ve ever asked him to be.

I also mentioned yesterday that my friend group is small to the point that it is almost non-existent. That wasn’t a fair statement to the ones that have been there for me. My older brother has been my biggest fan since day one. He has believed in me and supported me and, even in times that I embarrassed him, he always put me first. He may have taken a broom to the head by me a time or two when were younger, but he is my DAY ONE ride or die. I then have my younger brother. He is almost 11 years younger than me, so we had a different bond. I for sure took care of him when he was a child, but as an adult, he became my crutch. He stepped up into the father role in my son’s life at just 16 years old and has never looked back. Those brothers of mine married women who include me and love me when they don’t have to. They have children that I have extremely close relationships with. These relationships are the only things that keep me here. When I say here, I mean my home town. (This topic is for another blog). Yes, I lost a couple of really, close tight friends to death, but I still have ones that love me consistently and constantly. It is ok to really, really miss the ones you lost, but don’t lose time with the ones you have. For sure, I’d say that’s perspective.

My age, well dammit, I can’t change it, right. I might as well enjoy. I was born in the 70s, my teens were in the 80s, and major life-changing events happened to me in the 90s. To me those were the best three decades ever. Great music, great cars, and great hair. The 2000s, I have gotten to see my kid grow up (he was born in the late 90s). Do I understand why things sometimes go the way they have for me? Not at all. I ask God everyday to please let me know why I was chosen for this path I’ve been put on, but then I remember, he gave me the son I have, the parents I grew up with, and my brothers and their families. I may not have a lot of friends, but the ones God has given me were/are some of the most solid people anyone would want in his/her life. Perspective.

I woke up today grateful that I get another chance to make it better day than I had yesterday. That doesn’t mean I won’t have another bad day because I will, but each day is a chance to conquer the best you, so I am going to try and be the better person than I was yesterday. I hope you do the same.

P.S. When I was thinking about what direction I wanted to go today for my blog, I took the title “Broken” that I used in yesterday’s blog and it instantly made me think about times that my older brother and I would break things growing up and glue them back together in hopes that Mom wouldn’t see. Of course, she did, because once you are broken, you are never the same, but you are still useful, and sometimes those scars you have from when you were broken can be the flaws that have made you stronger today. Perspective.

I Can’t Make This —- Up pt 2

It’s been a whirlwind of a ride since I posted the original blog by this title.

In the first blog by this title, I told you that every man that approaches me through a social media app has been a single dad. I can’t tell you my hang up on that because I have mad respect for single dads, but something doesn’t fly right with me. The newest pattern, well, not the newest, I just forgot to mention it, but I had happened again, almost everyone, if not everyone, that approaches me is in the military and is deployed but will be home soon. Again, mad respect for the military folks. My dad was a Marine, but it’s the way it’s presented to me.

Guys, listen, I have been told after talking to someone for 10 minutes that he loved me. I kid you not! He just knew instantly that I was his forever. I blocked him, so he started messaging me on FB, which is where he originally found me. Keep in mind, we are not friends on any social media site. My name is also different on all these sites, so I’m not sure how he keeps finding me. He said he changed his status to married because he knows he is going to marry me. I can’t make this —- up!

I have two messaging me on TT right now and one I just blocked on IG because I refused to move our conversation to WhatsApp. What the hell?! I need someone to explain to me what is going on. I guess I shouldn’t respond to any of these messages. I don’t even think I respond because of the WHAT IF aspect, so I wondered if it was because I didn’t want to be rude. After today, I think I respond for the entertainment aspect.

Am I playing with fire? I give the bare minimum information about me, so I feel I’m smart and safe there. Is it an algorithm and that is why they are coming at me all at once? I don’t know, but I do know it’s wild.

I don’t recommend this entertainment for the lighthearted.

Wow, just wow!


Warning: This post will be a little different. I am about to show you a piece of me that I try so hard to hide because I don’t want to be a burden.

Robin Williams, (he was my birthday buddy) once said…pause right here for a minute. I think he said it. It is one of those quotes you can find under his name, so I am going to give him credit. Alright, push play. He said, “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” Every time I read this quote, I feel it. I know some people have it so much harder than I do, trust me, I have this conversation with myself every time I get lost in my thoughts, but no matter who you are or what you have, you can feel broken, and lately, I am feeling really broken.

Believe me, there have been times that I have felt this before, but it is extremely intense this time. Why now more than ever? I think it might be my birthday coming up. I will be 50 in a week. I know many of you are shaking your head right now. If it makes you feel better, so am I. I know each day we get is a gift. Trust me, I know this first hand. I had one best friend that was a month from being 40 when she passed away. I had another friend that had just turned 43 when she passed away, and my dad, he had just turned 55. So when I say I know first hand that each day is a gift, well, I know first hand. I think me knowing this leads to part of the reason I am so broken because I argue with my inner self every day. I get so mad that I can’t pull myself out of this hole, and if any of you read one of my first blogs “Forgiveness” you already know that I am not too kind to myself.

When I was growing up I was asked what do you want to be when you grow up, my answer was always things like a veterinarian (I love animals), a lawyer (I love to argue, well, not so much anymore), a singer (but that was on the down low), but truthfully what I wanted in life was to be the best WIFE and MOM I could be. I wanted the small house with a wrap around porch and a white picket fence. (Ha ha, did I grow up in the 50s?) I just wanted the simple, American life. I will tell you that I got half of that dream. I got to be a mom. I don’t know if I am that good at it, but I get to be. BUT, I have never been in love. I shouldn’t put so much value into this, I know, but I am almost 50 and have never been in love. I have never experienced the good morning and good night phone calls or messages. I have never experienced waking up next to someone that you loved with your whole being. I don’t know why. It is me. It has to be me. This has led to me feeling ugly, too much, too little; whatever negative thought you can think about yourself, I have probably thought it about myself. Before you ask? Why is she putting so much thought into this? I will tell you that I don’t know, but when you are about to be a half of a century, and you’ve never been loved, it hurts.

I really, really tried hard to step into my 50th like a boss. My sister-in-law even had a shirt made for me that says that, but as it gets closer, it has all been a freakin’ facade. I wanted to go on a 50th trip this year, but you know who would have went with me to enjoy this trip? NO ONE. I thought, I’ll go alone, but that would put me into this spiral even more. So this leads me to friends. I don’t really have any. So again, am I really that appalling that I can’t even get a friend? I do need to add here, that I do have a few friends, but it’s tough to be this age and have buddies when everyone around you is married. Secondly, I wanted to have a “I Made it a Half of a Century Party”. My sister-in-law and niece were kind enough to get his together, but when the list was made and they asked me who I wanted to invite, all the people invited, except a few, are more of my family’s friends that they hang out with. I didn’t have anyone to invite. This hit me hard, really hard, really, really hard. So this all led to this, I miss those close people in my life that I lost to death. Married or not, they would have made sure I got my trip and would have been the first to arrive and the last to leave to my party. This isn’t me speaking negatively of those in my life right now because honestly, if I came out and said to at least one of them that I really needed to get away, I think it would have happened, but those two friends I spoke of earlier, one for sure, wouldn’t have waited for me to ask. I miss her so much. She knew me well, and loved me no matter what. As for the party, my sister-in-law and niece that are hosting it, they really stepped up and that adds some positive to this, but here it comes, if my brother didn’t get married, I wouldn’t have either of them. Yep, that’s how my mind works. I am my own worst enemy. If you read last night’s blog, you learned that about me. I also know that whole blog sounds like a self-pity party, which pisses me off at myself all over again. Hey, it’s a vicious circle here folks.

You know when it comes down to it I really don’t know why I am still here today. I can’t quite figure out the purpose of me being put here on this earth. I really don’t know. Don’t worry, if you’re reading this, I am safe. I know the pain of losing a loved in death, and I do not want to put my family through that pain. I just am so tired of crying myself to sleep at night and crying when I wake up in the morning. I know this blog contradicts my blog from last night. It was about self-worth, but maybe it doesn’t contradict it. As I often say, I am a work in progress, but man, I am almost 50 years old, why is this work taking so long?

If you are reading this and struggling with who you are and why you are here, don’t take so long to discover your true self. Put yourself out there. Go and make friends, look for that person (look at my past blogs and have a laugh about my previous adventures with this) but most of all, believe in yourself. I think if I would just believe in me a little more, I wouldn’t hurt so badly.