Have you ever had so much built up in your mind and you know you need to write about it but when you sit down to write, you actually can’t put those thoughts into words? That is exactly where I am right now. Presently, my mind is so jumbled up I can’t even explain how I am feeling. I just want to listen to sad songs. I just want to get lost, but I don’t want to be lost anymore. I am not so sure about my career anymore, but I can’t think of anything else I would rather do. My love life is still non-existent. The online dating is so freaking confusing. I joined it to meet someone so that I can “meet” them and eventually become someone that I can’t live without, but there are only two directions in the online dating world. You either meet someone that just wants to “fuck” (sorry for the language, but it truly expresses that route of online dating) or you meet someone that wants to marry you right then and there. As far as the first goes, I am not a prude, but I want to connect with someone before I go that way. And the latter, well, I would like to connect with someone before I go that direction. I guess you can say that connection is the key for me. Maybe I just do know what I am doing. Or maybe I truly am just that ignorant, but these dating sites have me depressed. Don’t get me wrong, I get plenty of compliments that should make me feel ecstatic, but I am not. And then there is my location. Have you ever heard the song “I’m Movin’ On” by Rascal Flatts? It’s a song that reflects how I feel about my hometown. It’s a person that realizes that home just isn’t where he belongs anymore. This has been my song since the day this song was released. However, I have so much here that I can’t let go of. Confusion all around.
I hate when I slip into this pattern. I feel I have made so much progress, so when I slip into these moods, I get angry because I feel like I am backsliding. I am so hard on myself. Even positive days can have negative moments, I know that, but I just don’t allow myself any leeway. I think that in itself makes these lost moments even harder for me.
I will figure it out. I know I am blogging less and when I was blogging more I was doing better, so maybe the recipe is to get back to blogging more. I also need to learn to ease up on myself. Forgive and love myself. I think that can be a goal; a goal to make my next few blogs about progress no matter how small. As long as I am blogging, I will be okay.