Take My Hand; I’m Slipping

I feel an old familiar feeling creeping back in. I don’t like it, but it’s the old me. After a few punches to the gut, she tends to resurface. I need to let that be okay, I guess. After all, I didn’t truly decide to let her go until five months ago, so that means she will still be hanging around.` What is weird or strange or coincidental about this is just this week I was thinking about canceling my blog. I am not blogging as much as I did at first, and I am paying a small monthly fee, so, in turn, I thought it was money that I wasn’t using; however, a few things this week as my head spinning and I am just sad. (Sometimes those weak words are just the words you need to use.) This may be a long one because I am going to put the last few months out there. I am somewhat embarrassed but it is what it is, so here goes.

Who do I start with? Let’s see. I will start with the one that ended quickly and abruptly. First of all, I am probably going to sound like a complete fool here, well, probably in both instances, but I need to get this off my chest. So I met this guy on a dating site a couple of months ago. He supposedly lived a few hours from me. Side note here: I have distance restrictions on my profile because I am looking for someone to chill with, hang out with, and just have fun with. If something serious comes out of it, that’s great. Someone that lives over an hour away from me, well, I can’t really do those things. Not without making plans out of my already busy schedule, and because of that already busy schedule, I can’t really just do a spur of the moment meet up. Also, I absolutely do not plan on leaving where I live, so what’s the point? I don’t want to fall for someone that ultimately won’t go anywhere anyway because neither of us want to leave a place we’ve fully established. So back to my story, I told this guy I don’t want to waste time because of the distance, but there was something about his first thing he said to me that made me smile, so I kept talking to him. However, all along, I felt like he wasn’t completely legit. Like there was something about him. I felt like that maybe he was trying to scam me. He never asked for money, but there were holes in his story. You know, being an over thinker is a bitch for sure, but sometimes your mind kicks into detective mode. Oh let me add, he moved out conversation over to Hangouts, which for some reason was the first thing that put my mind on alert. I am not going to get into everything that he did that made me wonder what was up, but I will say I liked talking to him. We talked almost every morning-briefly- and every evening for an hour or more. When I say talked, we messaged each other through Hangouts. We had one phone call. There were times that he seemed “real” but maybe that was just the me that wanted him to be, and honestly, he may have been. I was willing to even meet him half way. I know, some think I am crazy, but I was. We could have met in a public place. It would have only been an hour in a half drive, three both ways. He, though, kept saying soon. That his job has him extremely busy. Okay, I do know that can be real. He then started offering to buy me things. I would say no because that was weird to me. Now let me stop here to explain this: I also continued to talk to this guy because my curiosity was getting the better of me. I wanted to know if I could catch him in his web of lies. (If there were any, which there had to be.) So my mind was on detective mode and my heart wanted to believe he was real. Before you scratch your head, my mind and heart are always at war. Try being a hopeless romantic and a realist, it’s tough. So I decided I would bait this guy. I ask him, “How are going to get me these gifts?” (Since we can’t meet in person yet, and I haven’t given him any personal information.) I was trying to see if he brought up my banking information or something that would give him access to those things, you know, the mind part of me was looking to trip him up. The heart side of me, however, wanted him to come up with something logical. He didn’t ask for banking. I do wonder if he was trying to at one point but I shut it down before he truly got a chance to. I told him that my son doesn’t even have my banking and credit card information when I thought he was starting to hint at those things. But, here is what he did do, he told me his assistant (Did he really have one of those? I will never know.) He told me his assistant orders from a specific company he needed my full name, phone number, email address, and my physical address. My over thinking self started thinking that those were things he could use to scam me. I don’t know how, but I felt those were things he could use to change passwords and what not. Maybe that’s silly, but my gut told me to not give him those things. Besides, he already had my name and one of my email addresses. For some reason, I refrained from giving him my phone number and mailing address. I told him that I just wanted to meet him in person, and he could give me any gift he wanted to then. You know, thinking it would soften the blow or just maybe I would finally get to meet him, but instead he went from zero to 60 in seconds. He became angry, which keep in mind, up to this point this guy has been sweet and kind. Sometimes we would disagree on things, but it always was handled like adults should handle things. He called me names. He told me my son would probably be married before me (which that is a given) but he went for the jugular, so I spouted a few things back. Anyway, I got him to calm down and tell me why he got so angry and he said because it was because I never believed him and had been wasting his and my time since I felt he was lying this whole time. It ended a little peacefully, but my detective mind still knows that it was always a game, but my hopeless heart still wonders if his kind, sweet words were real. I know though that the heart is treacherous, so I will follow my mind and gut on this one.

Second guy, this story actually starts before the one I just wrote about, but this story is…still going? Not that it should be, and not that it is. It’s just, I don’t know, and I am kind of pissed at myself for saying I don’t know. I am pretty sure I am done, which is why I decided to blog about it. I think putting it out there will give me the push I need it to give me. Anyway, about four months ago this guy gave me a like on Facebook Dating. There was something about him that intrigued me. We sent messages through Facebook Dating here and there, but I hated how FB Dating messages worked so I put myself out there. Okay, hold on, let me explain here that he is ten years YOUNGER than me, but he is cute, and he seemed down to earth. He seems to like some very similar things that I like, and he seems to be a hard worker, just a good ole boy, which is what I like. Now back to putting myself out there, I send him a message explaining how I can’t get him off my mind. He then sends me his phone number, so I thought, “Okay, here we go. Maybe just maybe we will meet up and click.” However, right after a few text message exchanges he disappears. Good ole cowardly ghosting. I hate them. Give me a shitty excuse or give me an honest, hurtful truth, but don’t f’n ghost me. That over thinking mind of mine needs a reason. I need to know what happened. I need to know what I did wrong (I know it isn’t always about me) but I want to know what I can correct so I don’t do it next time. I always want to be better, but decided to move on. Fast forward to a month and he contacts me through FB messenger. He supposedly got his phone stolen and had to go through somethings and just go back on FB. Whatever, so I exchange a couple of messages, but hold back. He then pulls away again. Third time, he contacts me. I just tell him I do not know what’s up, and he says, “Please be patient with me. I am working and going to school and my schedule is extremely busy.” He is a welder, and I do know that company he works for is a real company. I also know on his social media (He friended me so I friended/followed back. I don’t recommend this though.) showed snippets of the material he was studying. One was a picture of something my mind doesn’t understand and friends were commenting about what it was. So I will say right here, I do believe that part of this story, but I know there is more to his story. Keep in mind here, when I say I am intrigued by this guy, I freakin’ am. Something always keeps him in the back of my mind; however, I am trying to meet someone that wants to spend time with me, that’s the whole point of me putting myself out there on online dating. I had already met the previous guy, we will call him Dallas, at this point. So it’s whatever with this guy, I will call him “Lost” but he keeps popping back up. I get another “like” from him on FB dating. I deleted him off my social media at this point. I still have his number, but I am not going to use it. So I “like” him back and tell him, “Well, here we are again, so what are we going to do about it?” Didn’t get a message back. It’s whatever, but he is still in the back of my mind. I don’t know what keeps him there, but when I say I am intrigued, I truly am intrigued. I don’t know why. So this week, almost immediately after Dallas and I move on, I get a follow request from Lost on my IG and he starts messaging me. We also “match” on POF. We have tried to meet up this week because his schedule and mine are slower this week. But I also have made plans with family and friends due to the holiday week. I am not one to back out of plans not for something that has come up after those plans were made, but, we’ve spoken more this week. We talked about what we were looking for, you know, so we don’t waste each other’s time and we seemed to be on the same page. Then yesterday, we finally were able to sync our schedules, so I thought. I had plans in the morning but we agreed to meet up around 4ish. He said, “Let me know when you’re ready.” Well, I got finished earlier than I thought and sent him a message asking if 3:30 was good. Didn’t hear from him. I called, he didn’t answer. You know, just in case he didn’t know I text. So I text again explaining I was sorry for texting again, but wanted to know if we were still meeting up. I need to pause here and make sure you know that he had tried to meet up with me about four times prior to this, but it is my week off so I make all my “have to” appointments during this week. So this meet up was in the bag. We were both on board. It was nice outside, so we were going to meet up at a well-known public park and walk and talk and get to know each other. All signs showed that he was on board, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he got busy doing something while waiting on me because he has told me that he loves doing DIY projects. I decided to call again and this time leave a voicemail explaining that I was going to head home instead of heading his way. I still haven’t heard from him. His pattern and sure tell that I need to forget him and move on. Keep in mind, I am intrigued by him. He is like a mystery that I want to figure out, but I need to respect myself more, therefore, the only choice I have is to move on.

I know, this is a long blog, but I needed to put it out there. Due to these events I have been slipping back into the old me where I wonder what is wrong with me. Why am I not wanted by anyone? What’s crazy is I have spoken to other guys, but I just don’t connect with any of them. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I meet someone that wants to be with me? I know in my heart that I am one hell of a catch, but am I really?

I don’t have advice for you today. I am feeling too low myself. I guess I just needed to blog so you all can pull me back before I slip too far. I also needed to blog because I still see me pulling toward the man, Lost because I am so into him for some strange reason, I don’t know why and that even makes me more intrigued. Why am I so interested in this man? WTF!

Just so you know, advice is welcomed. Have a good day. I am going to try to.

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s