Why Am I Always Late to the Party?

I can’t believe it has been over a month since I last blogged. I can tell too. My sadness has been creeping back in. I know this doesn’t mean I am backsliding; as I have mentioned in a previous blog, no matter how positive of a person you are or are trying to be, you are going to have off days. However, it does prove my point that blogging has helped me be in a healthier mental state.

Now for my title, damn, I seem to hit everything late. I decided to get healthy and lose weight now instead of earlier, so who knows what those years of neglect actually did to me, as well as it sure is a hell of a lot harder to lose weight the older you get. Next, I missed the prime of my life lacking confidence in myself. I sat around in a depressed stooper and then I hit 50 and started loving myself. Yes, this is better than never, but this has given me a positive energy and I need to enjoy life. This means I want to go out and enjoy myself, but all my friends are past this stage. While searching, I have connected to my oldest niece on even a deeper level, but I feel I am dragging her down. How fun can it be to hang around with her 50 year old aunt. I want her to find friends her age that she can create bonds and memories with because let’s face it, I won’t be around forever, and all she will have left are the memories but not too many friends. Now let me stop right here for a minute. I absolutely am not saying I don’t have friends, but all my friends are at a different stage in their lives. My niece, I will call her DB for the purpose of her privacy, and I have a great time together, but am I good for her? I don’t feel she is branching out, and am I the reason why? I know what it’s like to live in a shell and I don’t want her to live that way. What’s funny though, I say all this, but when she and I do go out, we end up hanging out with people closer to her age, so now, the question is, what does this say about me? But, damn, DB and I have one hell of a time when we do go out. The other night we were looking for somewhere to go. We have our normal spot, but I was wanting somewhere different. When it came down to it, I couldn’t decide. There were a few spots we decided on, but I felt it would be more fun with a bigger group than just us two. We didn’t have a bigger group because all my friends have decided to pump the breaks on going out and letting loose, and she, I feel like I hold her back from friends her age. That night I created my new motto. It is: “I’m much too old to feel this damn young.” ha ha

Why didn’t I want to enjoy life more when I was younger? Why didn’t I try to figure out who I wanted and needed to be years ago? I mean, maybe because at 50 and above, you start to quit giving a fuck about what others think about you, and to tell you the truth, this is the best feeling in the world. It truly is, but I feel like I showed up late to the party and missed the main event. Oh well, I can’t go back, so I guess I just need to make my own party.

My advice to all who read this, even if it’s just one reader, I still have advice for you. Don’t wait as late as I did to find your confidence and enjoy life. However, if you have waited, let me be the shining example that it is NOT too late. Now, let’s make our own party.

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