As I stated before, when I started this blog, I was in a dark place. I literally feel the progression and the pain lift off me everyday since I started blogging. However, I let how my family members felt sway the direction of this blog somewhat. What I mean by this is that my son and my oldest niece both told me how sad my posts made them feel, so much so they quit reading them. I have encouraged them to keep reading because you can truly see my healing take place. Because of their response though, I felt I would be seen as backsliding if I posted anything negative, so I just quit posting if I was having a bad day. I know I’ve touched on this before, but I read over a few things the past few days that made me realize that I need to let all of you see that I am not completely recuperated.
The first thing I read was a quote by Najwa Zebian. The quote just simply states, “You can be a fighter and have pain inside of you. You can be a hero and live with trauma. You can be brave and still need a break.” I just want to thank Najwa Zebian for reminding me that having pain, trauma, and needing a break doesn’t mean I am not a fighter, hero, or brave. Furthermore, in my research of who she was (If you are reading this and knew who she was already, I apologize that I am just now finding her.) I found a tweet from her that said, “You can be healing and feel broken at the same time. Healing isn’t a destination we reach where we’re perfect and at peace all the time. Healing is a journey that involves accepting and embracing ourselves as we break, as we heal, and as we reconstruct.” It’s so funny how I actually knew this but hearing or reading it from someone else makes me feel okay with my pain. I have not regressed or back stepped. This is not going to be a miraculous healing overnight and I need to give myself some slack. Remember from my previous posts, I am my own worst enemy by far.
Today, I am not in a good place mentally, which really sucks because I came off such a good weekend. I am feeling lost right now. It’s not about my career as it was at one time. I am actually enjoying it again. It’s not about my weight loss, although, I am stalled right now, but I still am feeling good about myself for once in my life. I am just feeling a little heartbreak and confusion and I can’t pinpoint what it is about, hence, I am lost. Am I letting everyone down? Why am I struggling? Things aren’t at it’s best, but it for sure isn’t at it’s worst. When I struggle like this and can’t figure it out, it leads to me being angry with myself and I start to spin. Just in time, however, I found this on Facebook of all places. Someone posted what seems to be a picture of a little kids writing. I don’t know who or what to give credit to, but it is worth mentioning, especially since it’s written from a kid’s point of view because, let’s be honest, sometimes the innocence of a kid can touch our heart faster than the mind of someone brilliant. The note says, “If you’re not in a good place today mentally be easy on yourself, be patient with your healing. Sometimes it’s slow or even feels like you’ve gone backwards, that’s ok” and then he or she draws a heart next to ok.
I decided to post about this today because I want everyone to forgive yourself for being mentally tired. You are not expected to be perfect. Being a positive person doesn’t mean you won’t ever feel anything negative, it just means you rise and find the positive. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel pain, anger, sadness, frustration, or even lost. You’re still the hero of your own story.