In previous blogs I have mentioned that I am not sure my career is what I want to do anymore. This past Thursday I started my tenth year of teaching. Three days prior to that I started my professional development days miserable while people walked through the doors with an optimistic and cheerful attitude. I sat at a hidden table where I could read my book on my phone because I didn’t know if there was where I belonged. Two days prior to school starting, we had our annual open house where students come and find their classrooms and meet their teachers. I was happy to see the students I will have, but what made me even happier was when my past students popped in to see me. However, that hole was still there. Thursday started up and students came in my room. I was more relaxed than I have been in my past years. Not sure why. Maybe because I am a badass bitch now (ha ha reference to past blogs). Old students would pass my class going to their new class and say, “Can I just come back to your class?” Where I would reply, “You can come back, but you won’t graduate because you have to have the other classes as well.” Some would laugh and just simply say, “Okay.” But there were some that said, “So, I want to stay with you.” By the time I got home Friday evening and I started to reflect over the last two days, I realized that it’s not my career that I am second guessing. It’s me. I thought I didn’t connect with my students last year and come to find out, I did. I think it isn’t my career I am not happy with, but it is my home town. This is all I’ve known since I was in 7th grade when I moved here. Oh, I grew up and moved away for a bit, but it was only a town over, so can I really say I ever left? So where does that leave me? No where. I am still going to stay here. The fact of the matter is, although, I am ready for a new me, there are parts of the old me that I will not let go of and one of those is being here for my family. I have talked about up and leaving, but I have two younger nieces still in school in the school district I teach in. Next year, one of those will be in my building and in two years, she will be in my class. The younger one is only in fifth grade, but she cries if I talk about moving. I have been her safe haven since she started school in this school district. She has always come to my classroom before and after school. The thought that that might change for her, scares her. So it looks like I am here for awhile, but I refuse to just go through the motions. I think maybe I will change up some of my teaching style. Whatever I need to do, but I am glad that I came to the realization that it isn’t my career that isn’t quite right.
On one of my dating websites it asked if my life was a book what would the current chapter be titled, and I said “Reinvention.” I do feel I am reinventing myself. I feel I am working through some past and present pains, but the future me will be better because of it.
What would your current chapter be titled?
P.S. Still hating the online dating thing. Why can’t someone just walk into the room, our eyes meet, and there is an instant connection, and we fall in love? Oh, that only happens in the movies? Damn movies! Always lying to me and getting my hopes up!