Honestly though, I do, I cuss a little, but I try to be conscious of where I am and who I am around at all times. See I was raised that you can’t be a good Christian and say cuss words too. You know, that black and white boundary I have been put in, so I try my hardest not to cuss in front of people because I don’t want anyone to see me as a bad person. I mean, I most definitely love Jesus and his father, God.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching. If you have been following my blog, you know this. Through my soul searching, I have wondered if this bubble I am supposed to stay in has created this strong guilt I have put on myself because I am not the perfect little Christian girl. My mother, man I love that woman, but has always piled that guilt on me. I don’t know if she does it on purpose. I just really think she is trying to save me, and if I would have listened to her more, I wouldn’t have made some of the decisions I’ve made, but then I wouldn’t be me either. You know what I mean? Every decision I’ve made in my life, I thought about her. “Will this hurt her?” “How bad will it hurt her?” “I don’t want to be the cause of her pain?” “If I don’t go to church today (or sit through another Zoom because we aren’t face to face yet) she will be sad because I am the only kid that goes with her.” Then there is the guilt after I have made choices I know she won’t agree with. I am tired of walking on eggshells. I love her, but I just want her to know that my choices have nothing to do with her. I just want to live my life. She is the most giving mother too. If she thinks I need it, she will get it for me. If something comes up financially, and I am struggling, she will find a way to help. She is there for me, and I think that has a lot to do with why I can’t just make choices for me. I tried to parent my kid like she has me. I tried to make him fit in my mold, and he couldn’t stand to be around me. I didn’t want that to be our relationship, so I stepped back and when I did, I saw the beautiful, strong, kind-hearted human he really is. He didn’t need to fit in my mold, as I’ve said before, he needed to flourish in his. I wish my mom could see that.
As if the eggshells around my mom wasn’t enough, I chose a career that I have to watch my every move as well. As a matter of fact, I don’t openly share this blog on my social media accounts because I don’t hold back. They aren’t bad blogs, but there will always be those parents that get upset because their child’s teacher has a life. I’ve never gotten that either. Shame on the teacher for living, but these parents are the ones that are raising their kids, so shouldn’t their example they set be more important than the example of the teacher. Logical, right? But no, again, I walk on eggshells. Not that I do anything I should worry about, but I like to have adult drinks now and again and I have a wild inner child, but she has to stay hidden because of those surrounding me.
I don’t know if I am really going anywhere with this blog. I don’t know if I have open advice to give you. Maybe I am just trying to work through the pressure I put on myself by blogging about it. I like for my blogs to have meaning and substance, so hopefully if you read it and can relate, you can find a way out. I’d say, quit living in someone else’s mold for you. Be your own person. Don’t let others tell you what is right or wrong for you. I believe that God and his son, Jesus, love me unconditionally. My interpretation can be wrong, but in the end, isn’t that between him and me anyway? Don’t I have to answer to God for myself? I am kind to others. I try to love my neighbor as myself. Bahahaha, if anything, I love my neighbor more than myself. Wouldn’t this just be a better place if we worried about who we are and what we are doing more so than those around us? I think I’m about to break some eggshells.