So Much to Say

Have you ever had so much built up in your mind and you know you need to write about it but when you sit down to write, you actually can’t put those thoughts into words? That is exactly where I am right now. Presently, my mind is so jumbled up I can’t even explain how I am feeling. I just want to listen to sad songs. I just want to get lost, but I don’t want to be lost anymore. I am not so sure about my career anymore, but I can’t think of anything else I would rather do. My love life is still non-existent. The online dating is so freaking confusing. I joined it to meet someone so that I can “meet” them and eventually become someone that I can’t live without, but there are only two directions in the online dating world. You either meet someone that just wants to “fuck” (sorry for the language, but it truly expresses that route of online dating) or you meet someone that wants to marry you right then and there. As far as the first goes, I am not a prude, but I want to connect with someone before I go that way. And the latter, well, I would like to connect with someone before I go that direction. I guess you can say that connection is the key for me. Maybe I just do know what I am doing. Or maybe I truly am just that ignorant, but these dating sites have me depressed. Don’t get me wrong, I get plenty of compliments that should make me feel ecstatic, but I am not. And then there is my location. Have you ever heard the song “I’m Movin’ On” by Rascal Flatts? It’s a song that reflects how I feel about my hometown. It’s a person that realizes that home just isn’t where he belongs anymore. This has been my song since the day this song was released. However, I have so much here that I can’t let go of. Confusion all around.

I hate when I slip into this pattern. I feel I have made so much progress, so when I slip into these moods, I get angry because I feel like I am backsliding. I am so hard on myself. Even positive days can have negative moments, I know that, but I just don’t allow myself any leeway. I think that in itself makes these lost moments even harder for me.

I will figure it out. I know I am blogging less and when I was blogging more I was doing better, so maybe the recipe is to get back to blogging more. I also need to learn to ease up on myself. Forgive and love myself. I think that can be a goal; a goal to make my next few blogs about progress no matter how small. As long as I am blogging, I will be okay.

Take My Hand; I’m Slipping

I feel an old familiar feeling creeping back in. I don’t like it, but it’s the old me. After a few punches to the gut, she tends to resurface. I need to let that be okay, I guess. After all, I didn’t truly decide to let her go until five months ago, so that means she will still be hanging around.` What is weird or strange or coincidental about this is just this week I was thinking about canceling my blog. I am not blogging as much as I did at first, and I am paying a small monthly fee, so, in turn, I thought it was money that I wasn’t using; however, a few things this week as my head spinning and I am just sad. (Sometimes those weak words are just the words you need to use.) This may be a long one because I am going to put the last few months out there. I am somewhat embarrassed but it is what it is, so here goes.

Who do I start with? Let’s see. I will start with the one that ended quickly and abruptly. First of all, I am probably going to sound like a complete fool here, well, probably in both instances, but I need to get this off my chest. So I met this guy on a dating site a couple of months ago. He supposedly lived a few hours from me. Side note here: I have distance restrictions on my profile because I am looking for someone to chill with, hang out with, and just have fun with. If something serious comes out of it, that’s great. Someone that lives over an hour away from me, well, I can’t really do those things. Not without making plans out of my already busy schedule, and because of that already busy schedule, I can’t really just do a spur of the moment meet up. Also, I absolutely do not plan on leaving where I live, so what’s the point? I don’t want to fall for someone that ultimately won’t go anywhere anyway because neither of us want to leave a place we’ve fully established. So back to my story, I told this guy I don’t want to waste time because of the distance, but there was something about his first thing he said to me that made me smile, so I kept talking to him. However, all along, I felt like he wasn’t completely legit. Like there was something about him. I felt like that maybe he was trying to scam me. He never asked for money, but there were holes in his story. You know, being an over thinker is a bitch for sure, but sometimes your mind kicks into detective mode. Oh let me add, he moved out conversation over to Hangouts, which for some reason was the first thing that put my mind on alert. I am not going to get into everything that he did that made me wonder what was up, but I will say I liked talking to him. We talked almost every morning-briefly- and every evening for an hour or more. When I say talked, we messaged each other through Hangouts. We had one phone call. There were times that he seemed “real” but maybe that was just the me that wanted him to be, and honestly, he may have been. I was willing to even meet him half way. I know, some think I am crazy, but I was. We could have met in a public place. It would have only been an hour in a half drive, three both ways. He, though, kept saying soon. That his job has him extremely busy. Okay, I do know that can be real. He then started offering to buy me things. I would say no because that was weird to me. Now let me stop here to explain this: I also continued to talk to this guy because my curiosity was getting the better of me. I wanted to know if I could catch him in his web of lies. (If there were any, which there had to be.) So my mind was on detective mode and my heart wanted to believe he was real. Before you scratch your head, my mind and heart are always at war. Try being a hopeless romantic and a realist, it’s tough. So I decided I would bait this guy. I ask him, “How are going to get me these gifts?” (Since we can’t meet in person yet, and I haven’t given him any personal information.) I was trying to see if he brought up my banking information or something that would give him access to those things, you know, the mind part of me was looking to trip him up. The heart side of me, however, wanted him to come up with something logical. He didn’t ask for banking. I do wonder if he was trying to at one point but I shut it down before he truly got a chance to. I told him that my son doesn’t even have my banking and credit card information when I thought he was starting to hint at those things. But, here is what he did do, he told me his assistant (Did he really have one of those? I will never know.) He told me his assistant orders from a specific company he needed my full name, phone number, email address, and my physical address. My over thinking self started thinking that those were things he could use to scam me. I don’t know how, but I felt those were things he could use to change passwords and what not. Maybe that’s silly, but my gut told me to not give him those things. Besides, he already had my name and one of my email addresses. For some reason, I refrained from giving him my phone number and mailing address. I told him that I just wanted to meet him in person, and he could give me any gift he wanted to then. You know, thinking it would soften the blow or just maybe I would finally get to meet him, but instead he went from zero to 60 in seconds. He became angry, which keep in mind, up to this point this guy has been sweet and kind. Sometimes we would disagree on things, but it always was handled like adults should handle things. He called me names. He told me my son would probably be married before me (which that is a given) but he went for the jugular, so I spouted a few things back. Anyway, I got him to calm down and tell me why he got so angry and he said because it was because I never believed him and had been wasting his and my time since I felt he was lying this whole time. It ended a little peacefully, but my detective mind still knows that it was always a game, but my hopeless heart still wonders if his kind, sweet words were real. I know though that the heart is treacherous, so I will follow my mind and gut on this one.

Second guy, this story actually starts before the one I just wrote about, but this story is…still going? Not that it should be, and not that it is. It’s just, I don’t know, and I am kind of pissed at myself for saying I don’t know. I am pretty sure I am done, which is why I decided to blog about it. I think putting it out there will give me the push I need it to give me. Anyway, about four months ago this guy gave me a like on Facebook Dating. There was something about him that intrigued me. We sent messages through Facebook Dating here and there, but I hated how FB Dating messages worked so I put myself out there. Okay, hold on, let me explain here that he is ten years YOUNGER than me, but he is cute, and he seemed down to earth. He seems to like some very similar things that I like, and he seems to be a hard worker, just a good ole boy, which is what I like. Now back to putting myself out there, I send him a message explaining how I can’t get him off my mind. He then sends me his phone number, so I thought, “Okay, here we go. Maybe just maybe we will meet up and click.” However, right after a few text message exchanges he disappears. Good ole cowardly ghosting. I hate them. Give me a shitty excuse or give me an honest, hurtful truth, but don’t f’n ghost me. That over thinking mind of mine needs a reason. I need to know what happened. I need to know what I did wrong (I know it isn’t always about me) but I want to know what I can correct so I don’t do it next time. I always want to be better, but decided to move on. Fast forward to a month and he contacts me through FB messenger. He supposedly got his phone stolen and had to go through somethings and just go back on FB. Whatever, so I exchange a couple of messages, but hold back. He then pulls away again. Third time, he contacts me. I just tell him I do not know what’s up, and he says, “Please be patient with me. I am working and going to school and my schedule is extremely busy.” He is a welder, and I do know that company he works for is a real company. I also know on his social media (He friended me so I friended/followed back. I don’t recommend this though.) showed snippets of the material he was studying. One was a picture of something my mind doesn’t understand and friends were commenting about what it was. So I will say right here, I do believe that part of this story, but I know there is more to his story. Keep in mind here, when I say I am intrigued by this guy, I freakin’ am. Something always keeps him in the back of my mind; however, I am trying to meet someone that wants to spend time with me, that’s the whole point of me putting myself out there on online dating. I had already met the previous guy, we will call him Dallas, at this point. So it’s whatever with this guy, I will call him “Lost” but he keeps popping back up. I get another “like” from him on FB dating. I deleted him off my social media at this point. I still have his number, but I am not going to use it. So I “like” him back and tell him, “Well, here we are again, so what are we going to do about it?” Didn’t get a message back. It’s whatever, but he is still in the back of my mind. I don’t know what keeps him there, but when I say I am intrigued, I truly am intrigued. I don’t know why. So this week, almost immediately after Dallas and I move on, I get a follow request from Lost on my IG and he starts messaging me. We also “match” on POF. We have tried to meet up this week because his schedule and mine are slower this week. But I also have made plans with family and friends due to the holiday week. I am not one to back out of plans not for something that has come up after those plans were made, but, we’ve spoken more this week. We talked about what we were looking for, you know, so we don’t waste each other’s time and we seemed to be on the same page. Then yesterday, we finally were able to sync our schedules, so I thought. I had plans in the morning but we agreed to meet up around 4ish. He said, “Let me know when you’re ready.” Well, I got finished earlier than I thought and sent him a message asking if 3:30 was good. Didn’t hear from him. I called, he didn’t answer. You know, just in case he didn’t know I text. So I text again explaining I was sorry for texting again, but wanted to know if we were still meeting up. I need to pause here and make sure you know that he had tried to meet up with me about four times prior to this, but it is my week off so I make all my “have to” appointments during this week. So this meet up was in the bag. We were both on board. It was nice outside, so we were going to meet up at a well-known public park and walk and talk and get to know each other. All signs showed that he was on board, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he got busy doing something while waiting on me because he has told me that he loves doing DIY projects. I decided to call again and this time leave a voicemail explaining that I was going to head home instead of heading his way. I still haven’t heard from him. His pattern and sure tell that I need to forget him and move on. Keep in mind, I am intrigued by him. He is like a mystery that I want to figure out, but I need to respect myself more, therefore, the only choice I have is to move on.

I know, this is a long blog, but I needed to put it out there. Due to these events I have been slipping back into the old me where I wonder what is wrong with me. Why am I not wanted by anyone? What’s crazy is I have spoken to other guys, but I just don’t connect with any of them. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I meet someone that wants to be with me? I know in my heart that I am one hell of a catch, but am I really?

I don’t have advice for you today. I am feeling too low myself. I guess I just needed to blog so you all can pull me back before I slip too far. I also needed to blog because I still see me pulling toward the man, Lost because I am so into him for some strange reason, I don’t know why and that even makes me more intrigued. Why am I so interested in this man? WTF!

Just so you know, advice is welcomed. Have a good day. I am going to try to.

Why Am I Always Late to the Party?

I can’t believe it has been over a month since I last blogged. I can tell too. My sadness has been creeping back in. I know this doesn’t mean I am backsliding; as I have mentioned in a previous blog, no matter how positive of a person you are or are trying to be, you are going to have off days. However, it does prove my point that blogging has helped me be in a healthier mental state.

Now for my title, damn, I seem to hit everything late. I decided to get healthy and lose weight now instead of earlier, so who knows what those years of neglect actually did to me, as well as it sure is a hell of a lot harder to lose weight the older you get. Next, I missed the prime of my life lacking confidence in myself. I sat around in a depressed stooper and then I hit 50 and started loving myself. Yes, this is better than never, but this has given me a positive energy and I need to enjoy life. This means I want to go out and enjoy myself, but all my friends are past this stage. While searching, I have connected to my oldest niece on even a deeper level, but I feel I am dragging her down. How fun can it be to hang around with her 50 year old aunt. I want her to find friends her age that she can create bonds and memories with because let’s face it, I won’t be around forever, and all she will have left are the memories but not too many friends. Now let me stop right here for a minute. I absolutely am not saying I don’t have friends, but all my friends are at a different stage in their lives. My niece, I will call her DB for the purpose of her privacy, and I have a great time together, but am I good for her? I don’t feel she is branching out, and am I the reason why? I know what it’s like to live in a shell and I don’t want her to live that way. What’s funny though, I say all this, but when she and I do go out, we end up hanging out with people closer to her age, so now, the question is, what does this say about me? But, damn, DB and I have one hell of a time when we do go out. The other night we were looking for somewhere to go. We have our normal spot, but I was wanting somewhere different. When it came down to it, I couldn’t decide. There were a few spots we decided on, but I felt it would be more fun with a bigger group than just us two. We didn’t have a bigger group because all my friends have decided to pump the breaks on going out and letting loose, and she, I feel like I hold her back from friends her age. That night I created my new motto. It is: “I’m much too old to feel this damn young.” ha ha

Why didn’t I want to enjoy life more when I was younger? Why didn’t I try to figure out who I wanted and needed to be years ago? I mean, maybe because at 50 and above, you start to quit giving a fuck about what others think about you, and to tell you the truth, this is the best feeling in the world. It truly is, but I feel like I showed up late to the party and missed the main event. Oh well, I can’t go back, so I guess I just need to make my own party.

My advice to all who read this, even if it’s just one reader, I still have advice for you. Don’t wait as late as I did to find your confidence and enjoy life. However, if you have waited, let me be the shining example that it is NOT too late. Now, let’s make our own party.

Just Want to Touch Base

For those that have followed me since day one, thank you. I felt I owed you an summary of mi vida loca.

Last Wednesday, I got a tattoo. It’s a cute, little dainty one. No, Momma hasn’t seen it yet. I know, laugh it up, 50 and I worry about my mom still. I can’t explain it; I still hate disappointing her, and yes, she is still old school and a tattoo is a big no no in her eyes. I think I referenced this meme earlier, but I will again, I saw a meme that said, “Get the tattoo, you’re parents are already disappointed in you.” Haha, and if that isn’t the truth I don’t know what is. Anyway, it’s just a tiny guitar that my older niece and I both got to represent our love for music, specifically the Blues.

The next big thing I did, at least big for me, I joined a dating site, a real one, and let me just tell you, I DO NOT like it!! It is so overwhelming. These guys are relentless. They want to jump right in to marriage, and that is after exchanging just a few lines of conversation. I mean, some of the compliments sure do make a girl feel good, but it then it all falls apart. “Let’s take our conversation elsewhere. You know, somewhere a little more private.” My response, “Why? Who’s watching us here?” In my head, I feel all are trying to scam me. I am sure there are some real ones, but I am not sure I can put my guard down enough to believe anyone. But, what’s crazy, even with face to face dating, it would be the same way. You have to put your guard down so you can figure out if the person you’re talking to is worth it or not. But, c’mon, don’t you feel like you are on a job interview? “What do you like to do?” Well, not this shit, that’s for sure. As I’ve said before, I just want my guy to ride up on his horse, sing me a song about how he doesn’t know who hurt me, but he is here to save me, sweep me off my feet, put me on his horse, and we ride into the sunset. What? That is doable. It can happen. To top this off with a cherry and all, everyone has kids at home still. These are men my age. I said I didn’t want to date anyone with younger kids. I was older when I had mine, and mine is out of the house. Some of these men, my age, have young ones. I know I sound really picky, but I’ve been single for so long, why not be? I am exhausted, and in the end, all I want is someone that makes me feel special, whether it be for five months, five years, or the rest of my life. Ugh!

Even though that previous paragraph is somewhat crazy, I am happy to report that I have taken my 5oth year that I was so dreading and made it my bitch. I am L-I-V-I-N. Matthew McConaughey would be so proud of me. 🙂 In the end, I am having fun!


According to the dictionary Oxford Languages, confidence is a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities. Just reading that definition made what I have been saying about myself even more solid. For once in my life, I appreciate myself. I see myself, and I am beginning to love myself. Don’t get me wrong, it is hard for me to see myself as a confident person. As I tell people that I have a confidence for the first time in my life that I have never had, I feel like I need to follow up that statement with something explaining that I know there is still a lot about me that needs to be worked on. I feel awkward telling people that I have confidence, which shows that I don’t have complete confidence yet. I feel guilty, as if I am bragging on myself. You see, I come from a family that has never truly believed in themselves, so every once in awhile I have to remind myself that it is okay to be confident because when you are confident you are in fact trusting in yourself. After all, trusting yourself is the most important person to trust. You have got to believe in yourself and trust that you have what it takes to become who you want to become. You have got to trust yourself when your gut tells you to leave a situation or even a person. You have to trust yourself to guide you in the direction you need to go to accomplish all you want to accomplish.

Yes, it has taken me fifty years to get here, and if you were to ask me for advice, I would tell you not to wait as long as I have to find your confidence, but at the same time, it doesn’t matter when you find it, just find it. I do admit that if I had gotten here sooner, I probably would have made some different choices in my life. But honestly, those choices, right or wrong, helped make me who I am and I am fifty and fabulous. What is sweet about me saying that last statement, I am fifty and fabulous, I didn’t even flinch when I typed it. I truly believe it. So go and find your confidence! It is such a great feeling.

Are You a Negative Person If You Have Bad Days?

As I stated before, when I started this blog, I was in a dark place. I literally feel the progression and the pain lift off me everyday since I started blogging. However, I let how my family members felt sway the direction of this blog somewhat. What I mean by this is that my son and my oldest niece both told me how sad my posts made them feel, so much so they quit reading them. I have encouraged them to keep reading because you can truly see my healing take place. Because of their response though, I felt I would be seen as backsliding if I posted anything negative, so I just quit posting if I was having a bad day. I know I’ve touched on this before, but I read over a few things the past few days that made me realize that I need to let all of you see that I am not completely recuperated.

The first thing I read was a quote by Najwa Zebian. The quote just simply states, “You can be a fighter and have pain inside of you. You can be a hero and live with trauma. You can be brave and still need a break.” I just want to thank Najwa Zebian for reminding me that having pain, trauma, and needing a break doesn’t mean I am not a fighter, hero, or brave. Furthermore, in my research of who she was (If you are reading this and knew who she was already, I apologize that I am just now finding her.) I found a tweet from her that said, “You can be healing and feel broken at the same time. Healing isn’t a destination we reach where we’re perfect and at peace all the time. Healing is a journey that involves accepting and embracing ourselves as we break, as we heal, and as we reconstruct.” It’s so funny how I actually knew this but hearing or reading it from someone else makes me feel okay with my pain. I have not regressed or back stepped. This is not going to be a miraculous healing overnight and I need to give myself some slack. Remember from my previous posts, I am my own worst enemy by far.

Today, I am not in a good place mentally, which really sucks because I came off such a good weekend. I am feeling lost right now. It’s not about my career as it was at one time. I am actually enjoying it again. It’s not about my weight loss, although, I am stalled right now, but I still am feeling good about myself for once in my life. I am just feeling a little heartbreak and confusion and I can’t pinpoint what it is about, hence, I am lost. Am I letting everyone down? Why am I struggling? Things aren’t at it’s best, but it for sure isn’t at it’s worst. When I struggle like this and can’t figure it out, it leads to me being angry with myself and I start to spin. Just in time, however, I found this on Facebook of all places. Someone posted what seems to be a picture of a little kids writing. I don’t know who or what to give credit to, but it is worth mentioning, especially since it’s written from a kid’s point of view because, let’s be honest, sometimes the innocence of a kid can touch our heart faster than the mind of someone brilliant. The note says, “If you’re not in a good place today mentally be easy on yourself, be patient with your healing. Sometimes it’s slow or even feels like you’ve gone backwards, that’s ok” and then he or she draws a heart next to ok.

I decided to post about this today because I want everyone to forgive yourself for being mentally tired. You are not expected to be perfect. Being a positive person doesn’t mean you won’t ever feel anything negative, it just means you rise and find the positive. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel pain, anger, sadness, frustration, or even lost. You’re still the hero of your own story.

Where’s the Manual?

What is right or wrong when it comes to communicating with the opposite sex? I am always asking myself that very question. Momma always told me growing up that the lady does not chase the guy; she lets the guy chase her, so I have always been afraid to make any kind of move. Don’t get me wrong, there are times that I talk myself into making a slight move now and again, but I then constantly second guess myself.

Yesterday, I had three guys messaging me at one time. I told my oldest niece that I wish they would spread out the messaging because I probably won’t hear from any of them at all tomorrow, which is today, and I was right. So I begin to wonder if I am supposed to reach out to them? I am not because it wouldn’t be lady like. I would rather wonder what the hell happen than look like someone that is coming on too strong. It’s not the fear of rejection because, as I have mentioned before, I would rather someone tell me they aren’t interested than to just disappear.

So here is how every conversation ended yesterday. One, I just got a message hearted. I am not sure if I was supposed to reply to someone that just gave me a heart, so I just didn’t. Next, one of the two that actually have my phone number, he had a long day at work and told me when he had gotten home. He then ask me what I was doing. I told him the truth. I was grading papers. I haven’t heard from him since. I guess my life is too boring or I didn’t catch a hint. I don’t know, but that man manual would have been nice to have. The next guy, which is an old friend from about thirty years ago, called and we spoke on the phone for a bit. It was nice to catch up. He said goodbye and that he would try to call today. I honestly didn’t expect him to call, so it’s not really a big deal that he didn’t, but I am second guessing something I said or didn’t say as to why he didn’t, but he hinted more than once how we should get together and also messaged me after we hung up and said we should talk again. I thought we had already come to the conclusion that we were going to, so I just simply replied, “Okay.” Maybe that was too vague of a response. Hmmm. Man manual, please. This is all silly because we do not have to talk everyday, and, in reality, I am good with not talking everyday, but I find myself wondering if I was supposed to be the one making the first move today. Hmmm…ding ding! Manual!

I have never been good at this, ever. I am not good at catching hints or cues. I don’t know how the hell or why I am so awkward. I really do have so much to give someone, but I seem to talk myself into believing that I don’t. I even start to worry about meeting up with someone in person and how they might regret meeting up with me at all. Anyway, I hate playing this game. I have always loved the idea of being with someone, but I hate the whole process of getting there. Ugh. Can’t my someone just come riding up on their horse, knock on my door, hand my a bouquet of flowers, and tell me that it was always me that they loved? What? Too much? It would be so much easier on me. ha ha….

Anyway, if you are a man and are reading this, how about you send me that manual now.

What Made You You?

I read something the other day that really touched me. Maria Consiglio said, “Both narcissists and empaths suffered from early childhood trauma. The empaths took that pain and became more compassionate, not wanting others to suffer the same fate they did, while the narcissists got angry and decided to take their anger out on the world. Vowing to put themselves first. Empaths were strong enough not to let the trauma destroy their goodness, while narcissists were weak and let the trauma overcome them.” As I have mentioned in a previous blog, I am an empath. I feel the pain of others. It can be very heavy at times, so I think that is what drew me to this quote. However, I can’t think of an early childhood trauma. I look back at some of the choices I made as a child and often wonder if I did experience something and just can’t remember it. I do know, though, that I did experience something at 19, which I have spoken about in one of my first blogs. After reading the above quote, I tried to think as to when I became on empath. I have always been kind to people and hated it when they suffered, but I think I was more sympathetic than I was empathetic. I think after my trauma at 19 was when I became more empathetic than sympathetic. So if I was to write a quote like the one above, I would take out “early childhood trauma” and just change it to trauma. I think that whether you are a narcissist or empath is already somewhat ingrained in you, and when you go through a trauma that personality trait becomes more prevalent. In my case, I became aware of other’s pain. I did not want them to feel what I had felt. I often mention what a toll empathy can take on a person; however, if I had to choose between being a narcissist or an empath, I would choose empath every time. Taking care of others, loving others, and even carrying their pain, is so much more of a reward than just carrying my own load. I love to see someone succeed and win. I love to see someone smile. I love that I have compassion. I guess this could be a positive spin on the trauma I went through because wanting people to win is a success story in itself.

Yes, I Am, I Am Awkward

In my newspaper class we spend time talking about cool items that could be in the newspaper. Since it is a small class, I like to get to know my students even more than I get a chance to know them in my bigger classes. As we were talking today, I told them that I am an awkward person. You know the kind that responds with “Green” when someone asks how your day is going. Yes, I am that awkward. One of the students looked at me and said, “There is no way you are awkward.” I told them I truly was and they still didn’t believe me. So a couple of things came of this. One, I am glad that I can be something to my students. I was too fearful and too unsure to push myself to chase my dreams or to step outside of my box. So I now use this experience as an opportunity to push my students to 1) Be true to who they are. 2) Step out of their box and live those dreams. I have no qualms with telling my students who I am because I want them to know that no matter their struggles they can rise above and become who they want.

However, with this student questioning my awkwardness I started to question it for a bit. Am I really just socially inept? So I played around with the word awkward to see what all I could come up with and you guessed it, I came up with some pretty good quotes. One of my favorites, “The awkward moment when the awkward moment you thought was awkward wasn’t really awkward and you created an awkward moment by thinking that a non-awkward moment was actually awkward and now is awkward.” That’s a lot, but fitting because it fits my overthinking everything mentality. By the way, author is unknown as far as I could tell. The next quote I laughed at was “I don’t need to flirt; let me seduce you with my awkwardness.” ~ Janet Gwen I laugh at this one because I might actually be the worst flirt in the world. And finally, one that I am going to get made into a shirt is, “Hi, I’m awkward.” Now that probably leaves you asking, “Why would she be celebrating in her awkwardness? Well, I ask you, “Why not?”

I think the fact that I have always been awkward has held me back because I was so convinced that something was wrong with me. Instead of loving everything about me, I have chosen to pick myself apart. Instead of embracing my awkwardness and laughing at my silliness, I overthought every situation I was in, or even worse, I would overthink situations that might happen. I feel by recognizing who I am, awkwardness and all, will only help me with my growth, and if you’ve read my earlier blogs you know that my personal growth is my focus right now. So I will end this with another quote I found and it just simply says, “It’s weird not to be weird.” In the end, the only way you can grow is to be YOU. So embrace and love all of you.

I think the fact that I have always been awkward has held me back because I was so convinced that something was wrong with me. Instead of loving everything about me, I have chosen to pick myself apart. Instead of embracing my awkwardness and laughing at my silliness, I overthought every situation I was in, or even worse, I would overthink situations that might happen. I feel by recognizing who I am, awkwardness and all, will only help me with my growth, and if you’ve read my earlier blogs you know that my personal growth is my focus right now. So I will end this with another quote I found and it just simply says, “It’s weird not to be weird.” In the end, the only way you can grow is to be YOU. So embrace and love all of you.

Hmmm, It’s Called Shifting

All this time I said I was reinventing myself, which I do think that is what I am doing, but I found something that I read and it instantly made me think about my transformation. I am not quite sure if you would consider it a quote or poetry or in between but here is what it says:

Shifting: As you are shifting, you will begin to realize that you are not the same person you used to be. The things you used to tolerate have become intolerable. When you once remained quiet, you are now speaking your truth. Where you once battled and argued, you are now choosing to remain silent. You are beginning to understand the value of your voice and there are some situations that no longer deserve your time, energy, and focus.

I do believe this describes me at this moment in time. I am shifting. I am living life for me for once. I am trying new things and new ideas. I want to be known as Dawn and not so and so’s mom, sister, daughter, or aunt, and I intend to just make that happen. I will no longer live in someone else’s shadow, but instead I will be in my own spotlight. I will not waste my energy on things I can’t control, I can’t change, and if it doesn’t affect me. I will not sit back and be walked all over. I am shifting.

This is growth and it is real and it is freeing and it is about damn time. Are you ready to join me?

P.S, I am proud to be so and so’s mom, sister, daughter, and aunt. My family means everything to me, and I will always be here for them. I just can’t let that be my only identity anymore.

Just Touching Base

In previous blogs I have mentioned that I am not sure my career is what I want to do anymore. This past Thursday I started my tenth year of teaching. Three days prior to that I started my professional development days miserable while people walked through the doors with an optimistic and cheerful attitude. I sat at a hidden table where I could read my book on my phone because I didn’t know if there was where I belonged. Two days prior to school starting, we had our annual open house where students come and find their classrooms and meet their teachers. I was happy to see the students I will have, but what made me even happier was when my past students popped in to see me. However, that hole was still there. Thursday started up and students came in my room. I was more relaxed than I have been in my past years. Not sure why. Maybe because I am a badass bitch now (ha ha reference to past blogs). Old students would pass my class going to their new class and say, “Can I just come back to your class?” Where I would reply, “You can come back, but you won’t graduate because you have to have the other classes as well.” Some would laugh and just simply say, “Okay.” But there were some that said, “So, I want to stay with you.” By the time I got home Friday evening and I started to reflect over the last two days, I realized that it’s not my career that I am second guessing. It’s me. I thought I didn’t connect with my students last year and come to find out, I did. I think it isn’t my career I am not happy with, but it is my home town. This is all I’ve known since I was in 7th grade when I moved here. Oh, I grew up and moved away for a bit, but it was only a town over, so can I really say I ever left? So where does that leave me? No where. I am still going to stay here. The fact of the matter is, although, I am ready for a new me, there are parts of the old me that I will not let go of and one of those is being here for my family. I have talked about up and leaving, but I have two younger nieces still in school in the school district I teach in. Next year, one of those will be in my building and in two years, she will be in my class. The younger one is only in fifth grade, but she cries if I talk about moving. I have been her safe haven since she started school in this school district. She has always come to my classroom before and after school. The thought that that might change for her, scares her. So it looks like I am here for awhile, but I refuse to just go through the motions. I think maybe I will change up some of my teaching style. Whatever I need to do, but I am glad that I came to the realization that it isn’t my career that isn’t quite right.

On one of my dating websites it asked if my life was a book what would the current chapter be titled, and I said “Reinvention.” I do feel I am reinventing myself. I feel I am working through some past and present pains, but the future me will be better because of it.

What would your current chapter be titled?

P.S. Still hating the online dating thing. Why can’t someone just walk into the room, our eyes meet, and there is an instant connection, and we fall in love? Oh, that only happens in the movies? Damn movies! Always lying to me and getting my hopes up!

Well, That Explains It

I am going to do an exercise with my class. The exercise required me to look up several quotes. In my search of quotes, I ran into this one, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I was a little stunned when I first read this quote, shook my head, and read it again.

First of all, I want to lead with telling you that I am not back stepping. I am; however, struggling a little and I can tell you that it is probably because I am exhausted. This is my first week back to work since we got out in May. I worked a camp the end of June, but that wasn’t a mental exhaustion. I read this quote and I had to agree. I think that I have never fallen in love because I have never felt that I deserved it, hence, I have always been alone. Isn’t that crazy? I never thought about it until I actually read this quote. I ask myself all the time what is wrong with me. Why can’t I find someone? I have even asked myself that lately do to zero success in the online dating pool. In reality, the only thing truly wrong with me is me. Subconsciously, I have never felt that I deserved love; consequently, I have never allowed myself to be loved.

Self-discovery. Isn’t it grand? I deserve love and I deserve love that is unbelievable. Love that leaves me speechless. Because I am one of a kind, one that will treat you so well that it is only me that you see. I am beautiful, inside and out. I have a good sense of humor. I am independent, but soft enough to let you help me. I will make sure you feel like a man, while I am your lady.

So from now on, I will be ready for the love I deserve. I will not be my own worst enemy talking me down every step along the way. I will no longer settle for less, and you should not either, ever.

Emoji This!!! 🖕🏼

Hahahaha, the title, but you may get what I’m about to talk about. As mentioned in a previous post, it’s all in the title.

I use emojis, but I never have really paid attention as to when I used them the most. However, these last few guys I’ve spoken to on this online dating site have responded with emojis. How the f—- am I supposed to reply to emojis? First guy I was speaking to, the last thing he said to be before he disappeared was “Good morning 😃.” The next one, I complimented his tats. We all know from a previous blog, I am really into tats. His response was 😘😘😘. Not one 😘, but three. What am I supposed to do with that? Final one, which was this morning, and the one that sparked this blog, was just a simple 👍🏼. He initiated the conversation and we chatted a little, but then I get the thumbs up emoji. Does that mean we are through chatting? I’m assuming so because I don’t know how to reply.

I’m kind of guilty of sticking an emoji in when I am at a lost for words, but I didn’t realize this until it happened to me. We all know that technology has crippled our communication skills, and this, my friends, is only further proof.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not telling people not to use emojis because I’m sure I will still use them, but I will think a little harder before I just simply stick one in. We need to work on how we talk to people. Tell people what you want and why you want it. Tell people how you feel. Don’t leave people guessing. Sometimes the truth hurts, so work on delivery; however, I want to know the truth more so left wondering what just happened.

Just Take the Compliment

Are you the type of person that can’t take a compliment? It either makes you uncomfortable or you don’t or can’t believe someone is saying something great about you? Me, I am that person. My progress with my weight loss is being noticed, and when someone tells me, “You look great.” I respond by saying, “Thank you, but I have so much further to go.” Why can’t I just say thank you? I do, I have about 30-35 more lbs to go before I will be satisfied, and I don’t want people to think I am complacent, I guess.

Other times, my oldest niece is so sweet to me and she is always giving me compliments and I simply just shut them down. She tells me over and over again, “Just take the compliment.”

Tonight at Open House I had students from last year pop in and tell everyone that I am the best English teacher ever. My response, since they are just now juniors, was to inform the parents that were in there that they have only had me as their high school English teacher (small school) so they don’t really have anyone else to compare to. Why couldn’t I just take the glowing recommendation and smile? We all know, well, if you’ve read my previous blogs, that I have been struggling with my career lately, so to hear previous students love me this way is something I needed to hear, but instead, I just shake it off.

Do you think people get mad when they give someone a compliment and that person more or less turns it away? The person receiving this adulation should make sure that the praise is appreciated. I have never wanted to be put on a pedestal. I have never wanted to be the one excepting the honors. I don’t know why. When someone compliments my weight loss, I don’t see what they see, not always anyway. When a former students sings my praises, all I see is someone that can be better. I appreciate it so much when someone sees something positive about me, and tells me, but in the end, I don’t see what they see and that is just sad really.

I think, though, with the progress I am making. With me starting to see how beautiful I really am. With me trying to get back to the badass bitch I was when I was a younger girl, maybe compliments won’t make me so uncomfortable one day. Maybe I will be able to believe what I am being told. Yep, another goal to put in front of me, and it is about time that I do.

If someone sings your praises, if someone tells you how great you are, take it as so, and simply look at them and say, “Thank you.” I am still working on it, but those are two words that I definitely need to put in my mind and heart because people don’t genuinely tell someone something just to be telling them something. Most of the time people won’t say anything at all rather than give you a false admiration. Yes, you will have those that don’t mean what they say, but why is that your problem? Why worry about who is being fake and who isn’t? Just simply look at them and tell them thank you. After all, hearing good things about you should be a GOOD THING.

Make Sure You Follow the Cookie Crumbs

If you have just now found my blog, make sure you go back to the very beginning. Where’s My Lipstick was started because over the last few months I have been in a really bad emotional and mental state. I have always been the person that held my pain in because I didn’t want to be a burden to others, but this blogging has allowed me to open up and in the process I have been finding myself. I know this person who I am becoming will not be liked by some, but it is about time I step out of the mold people expect me to be in. I do hope my loved ones realize that this change isn’t about them, but it’s about me and this change needs to happen due to the fact that living your life lost is no way to live. I am ready to live.

Please don’t wait 50 years to help yourself, to believe in yourself, and to love yourself. However, if you have already waited this long or longer, trust me, it is not too late. Break out of that container you or other people have forced yourself in, and live your best life. Living for you doesn’t mean you abandon those around you. As a matter of fact, you quite possibly will be in a healthier state which can give you strength to help out even more.

Don’t Be a Coward

Why and when did people become such cowards? Yes, this has to do with online dating. So when did it become appropriate to “ghost” someone? Am I the only one out here that would rather be told I’m too ____ whatever than just to be ignored. Honestly, I would rather someone tell me I am too ugly or too fat than just be ignored. You know what I mean?

I have always been a curious person. I want to know why. I am also one of those that likes my observations from the principal in the classroom because I want feedback. I want constructive criticism. I want to know what I am doing wrong, so it can be corrected. I want to be better at whatever I am doing because there is always room for growth. I am also the person that loves closure. I don’t like leaving things unsaid and undone. However, this ghosting seems to be the cool thing to do. Who am I kidding? This isn’t anything new. My son’s father did it. Just left without a phone call or a goodbye. In the long run, I ended up better for it, but it is such a cowardly thing to do.

I know this sounds so judgmental with very little understanding on my part, but I have always been the type of person that owns up to her mistakes. I have always been the type of person that wanted to have closure no matter the pain it caused, it at least offered a way to heal.

I guess, this online dating isn’t for me. I’ve only been signed up for a bit so I shouldn’t be so quick to close the door on it, but I can’t deal with people who take the quick way on everything. People in online dating tend to move way too fast and skip the steps of getting to know each other, and then they just slip out without offering you an explanation. I want someone real, and I am not sure I can find it through the virtual process.

Just be real. Just tell people the truth. That doesn’t mean be harsh and hateful, but give people a reason. Don’t be such a coward.

I Just Don’t Get This Game

I did it. Something I didn’t think I’d ever do. I signed up on a dating website. Results? I hate it. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know what is right or wrong. Some are just too fast or maybe I am just too slow. Either way, it is not for me, but that leaves me with what is? What is for me? I can’t meet anyone the old fashioned way and I am not a fan of this way, so what do I have left? I am old fashioned and a hopeless romantic too, so I want someone that is interested in me to SHOW me they are interested. You know what I mean? I want them to put the work in and PROVE to me that I am worth it. That’s not to say I am a snob and won’t do any work because that is far from the truth. Once I realize a person is for real, I will give them my all. All I ever wanted, as my past blog indicated was to be an amazing mom and an amazing wife. I got half of that that, well, the mom part, I don’t know about the amazing but I try. Oh, and if you’re wondering, I didn’t screw up the wife part. I didn’t ever have it. Long story that I don’t want to get into right now.

I have gotten to the point where cell phone numbers were exchanged. This guy “liked” my profile, so I “liked” his. We exchanged conversation for a bit and then I admitted to him that I would like to get to know him more. He gave me his cell number. I waited awhile because I didn’t want to look desperate or too excited and I also don’t know the rules. I text him the next day and told him that this is my number. We exchanged greetings and left it at that. I haven’t heard from him. I have a self help book that I am listening to and it says to let him reach out to you and that it may take a couple of days, so here I am waiting. Not sitting by my phone waiting, but not reaching out to him because I am supposed to let him contact me first. Maybe a guy should write a self help book for women. Oh wait, didn’t Steve Harvey do that? I need to go and check it out. I say that because it is easy for a woman to tell a woman what works, but she’s not a man and doesn’t have the mind of a man so how does she truly know what works and doesn’t? This isn’t really about this one man. I only spoke to him for a bit, but it’s about the whole process. Me constantly guessing if I am doing it right or wrong? And then, if you’ve read past blogs, you know I am extremely hard on myself, so I begin to question what I am doing wrong. Why doesn’t someone see the value and beauty in me? This book says the normal, that it’s not about looks that a man is interested in, but then she says, “Oh, they have to be attracted to you before they decide to get to know you, but it’s what’s on the inside that keeps you there.” So then I begin to question my outer beauty. Why can’t I pull someone in so they can see what is on the inside? I must be hideous. I know I’m not, but I begin to wonder. It is a vicious cycle.

I came across a TikTok where a guy is standing on the beach with some music playing and there is a caption that simply says, “This is a shout out to all the single women out there that complain about being single but never got out. Just waiting for Mr. Right to break into your house.” I laughed because it really is true. I want my Prince Charming to come riding up on his horse and tell me that it is me; it has always been me. 🙂

I really do want to meet someone. I always have. I just can’t handle the psychological games. I really believe that I am worth it. I really do believe that if I met someone today and they took a chance on me, they would never regret it. BUT, how do I get there?

What’s In a Title?

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, I know you have all been wondering about what is up with the title of my website, Where’s My Lipstick? How many of you stumbled on this and started to read the blogs and think, “This isn’t about makeup.” Or you saw the title and you thought, “Oh yes, another makeup site.”? Well, let me take a brief moment to explain.

I have a Dolly Parton shirt that says Guts, Grits, and Lipstick and then I have a makeup bag that has a quote from Audrey Hepburn that says, “On a bad day there is always lipstick.” I do love me some makeup, but the title of my website is really symbolism. Man, I love symbolism. I make sure and teach my students about this because literary elements always adds interesting color and behavior to your writings. So what is the symbolism to Where’s My Lipstick?

If you have read my blogs from the beginning or at least read a few of the blogs at the beginning, you would see the pain I have been put through either by other people or myself. However, this pain has not stopped me from rising each day, dusting myself off, and continuing on. Have you figured out the symbolism yet? Yep, it’s about looking your best no matter how you feel or what you have been through. Sometimes the lipstick is just simply hiding my pain, but other times, it is exemplifying my victories. Either way, my lipstick is my symbol that I will always rise, apply my lipstick, and smile. I mean, after all, every day you are given is a gift.

If there are days that you need to apply your lipstick, or whatever it may be if you are not a lipstick wearer, to hide your pain and just to get you through the day, then wear it proudly. If there are days you want to put some color on your face because you have a smile you want to magnify, then wear it proudly. You are beautiful and you deserve all you desire.

Learn to Breathe

So, I have a confession. I was in a training today, well, the last two days, but today we were looking for some curriculum we may want to implement within our school and I ran across this title and I thought what an amazing title for a blog. If you are a writer, can you do that? Can sometimes a title or even one word be enough inspiration for you that you just want to write? One time I assigned an essay or story to my creative writing class and I simply just gave them the word “blue” and told them I had no guidelines or rules other than the length I requested. Those students went all different directions, but I was wowed by their responses. Sometimes when we aren’t put in a box and contained, we can do many great things.

Back to the title, Learn to Breathe, made me think about how stressors in life can totally weigh us down to the point that it feels like we are drowning and can’t breathe. When in reality, if we just stop, step back, take a breath, we will realize that there is nothing we can’t overcome.

If you have been following my blogs, I have been in an emotional turmoil about my job. I have had a few veteran and retired teachers tell me not to ever quit teaching because the kids need someone like me. I was told once the art of teaching can be learned, but the heart of teaching is just natural and it can’t be learned, and I had the heart of teaching which was rare. All signs that I belong where I am career wise; however, I have felt the pressure of my job strangling the life out of me. These last couple of days, I spent some time with some of my co-workers that allowed me to take a breath. It’s like the grip of my decision finally let go of my neck, and I taught myself how to breathe again, and I am ready for the new school year.

Think about it, In order for us to live, we have to breathe. That is a physical fact. But metaphorically, it works as well. We may be overtaken by something that makes us suffocate emotionally and mentally, but when we “learn to breathe” we can work through the pain and come out on top.

So next time you feel as if the world is pulling you under and you can’t breathe, step back, regroup, rise up, and just breathe.

Why Is This So Heavy?

God gave me a gift. He gave me the ability to experience the feelings and emotions of another person. This isn’t saying that I have some sixth sense. I am simply saying that I am an empathetic person. Yep, God made me empathetic. Yet, sometimes I ask God why he gave me this gift because I can promise you it isn’t always easy. My empathy goes too far sometimes. For one, my older niece talked me into watching the show Love Island and while watching it it reminded me why I can’t watch these type of shows. I had to quit watching shows like The Voice and American Idol because when someone is voted off, I feel their pain. I know that seems silly. After all, these are people on television that I don’t even know, but when someone hurts, I hurt.

Today, I was sitting through a training at school. We had to go through some “test” so to speak, you know, to figure out what type of teacher we are. First two, I was answering, and thought, “What am I doing wrong? I am barely saying yes to any of these.” Then the box for empathy came up. Ding, ding, ding. Yep, full blown. So when we were discussing, I got emotional. I told them that there are so many positives to this. I can feel a student struggling without them even saying the words, which is so good for this student because I can reach out privately and offer help, but I bring this pain home with my constantly. I also let them know that, we, the teachers that feel more are the teachers that are less likely heard when we have to sit through meetings and make choices that will affect the students and the staff. I honestly can’t tell you why I got so emotional with my response. Maybe it’s because I am struggling with my career as a whole. It is true though, I can feel my students’ pain. I wonder if this is why they come to me and vent about things. Whether it be a coach, another teacher, or a friend. I wonder if they know that I feel what they’re going through. Now I want to pause here. I tell them upfront that I will not talk bad about another teacher or coach. I also tell them I can’t fix it. That that is their responsibility, but if they just need to vent then I am all ears. Their response, every time, is “I just need to vent.” I feel I need to pause again and say this. If they are in any danger, I will step forward. A lot of times, it is just them being upset because something didn’t go their way. So yes, I fell in the empathetic category, and it made me stop and think. It is so heavy carrying everyone else’s pain. I don’t know if I would want to be any other way though. So again, it is about finding my release so that I can continue being their release.

With all that said, God gave me the ability to be empathetic. It does get extremely heavy at times. I still have my problems and then someone else’s fall on me. However, I am not a stand by and watch people hurt type of person either, so here we are. My empathetic butt and all. I guess instead of asking God why he chose me to carry this; I will thank him for choosing me.

Find the gift God gave you. Think long and hard about it. Then, instead of asking why, thank him for trusting you. Empathy is my super power, what’s yours?